In the Navy: Steaks and a Life of Ease

A recent commenter on this site, who had been in Iraq, said that those who served in the Navy had it pretty easy, including steaks at night. I did some checking and found out that we can duplicate their easy lives just by following certain steps at home. I didn't see steaks on the list, but I can correct that.

Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home: from LaughNet

● Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

● Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

● Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

● Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

● Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

● Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

● Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

● Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

● Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

● Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.

● Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey.

I suspect that those from other branches of the military never had to go through anything like this. But, if you believe differently, you can help us add to this list or make one for your own branch of service so that all Americans can experience the joys of military life. (Keep it light, which means no rantings about killing civilians and such by lefties, who could learn to enjoy humor and life once in a while.)

The listing above was only a partial list. For the full list, go to this link: LaughNet

In the Navy: Steaks and a Life of Ease

A recent commenter on this site, who had been in Iraq, said that those who served in the Navy had it pretty easy, including steaks at night. I did some checking and found out that we can duplicate their easy lives just by following certain steps at home. I didn't see steaks on the list, but I can correct that.

Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home: from LaughNet

● Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

● Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

● Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

● Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

● Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

● Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

● Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

● Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

● Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

● Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.

● Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey.

I suspect that those from other branches of the military never had to go through anything like this. But, if you believe differently, you can help us add to this list or make one for your own branch of service so that all Americans can experience the joys of military life. (Keep it light, which means no rantings about killing civilians and such by lefties, who could learn to enjoy humor and life once in a while.)

The listing above was only a partial list. For the full list, go to this link: LaughNet

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Planck's Constant, a delightful blog, has a series of serious questions that seriously need a serious answer. A sample, then go read the whole thing:

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? [Moreover, why does he wear his underwear on the outside of his tights and what kind of man wears a cape anyway?]

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? [Actually, it's cold up there. To push the question to its logical conclusion, why do they bother wearing any clothes at all?]

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? [To tell the difference from people who do not have a lithp]

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? [Who said ALL the apes evolved? - More importantly, who said ALL humans are evolved?]

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Noise Interpreted As Shots Fired At Sam Rayburn Building

It is really not funny, but there were "shots fired" which didn't turn out to be shots at all. But for a while, confusion reigned and information was hard to come by. The BEST blogging on the subject was Rick at The Real Ugly American.

G.M.'s Gems or a Roper Repeat

It occurred to us that many of our readers are new and may have missed earlier posts that we found amusing or which deserve retrospection in light of what was predicted versus what actually happened. (To be totally honest, this also helps when we cannot post because of work or sickness.) From time-to-time, we will present selected repeat posts for you. Here is one now.

Would you like cream or sugar with this?

Enjoy coffee with the boss. It's on us!

GM's Corner admires and spotlights honesty. So, enjoy a cup of coffee on us in a visit with an honest boss. Click on An Honest Boss.

But, Can He Carry Florida?

Just something else to drive the left crazy.

Brother Jeb would make 'great' US president: Bush

President George W. Bush praised his brother, Florida governor Jeb Bush, as an "excellent" leader who would make a "great president" of the United States.... "I think Jeb would be a great president. But it's up to Jeb to make a decision to run."

Think of the benefits of electing Florida Gov. Bush as President. Maybe this time Barbra Streisand, Alec Baldwin, and half of California might really leave the country for good. To put the punctuation mark on it, Brother Jeb could decide to keep Dick Cheney as his Vice President, since the VP isn't limited to two terms.

However, J.B. needs to worry about his brother's low ratings--that is, until the Democrats nominate their next out-of-touch, left-wing radical, tax-and-spend, open the borders, kiss up to Castro, act like the French, and gut the military candidate...who will be roundly rejected by the voters.

Oil Shortage Explained

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

Our dipsticks are located in Washington DC.

Bored? Tired of Politics? Tired of Liberals? Try These.

I enjoy brain teasers because they, unlike liberals, can be logically explained. If you want to take a rest from politics and liberals, try these puzzles that I enjoyed:

--------------------

1. Monty Hall Dilemma

Imagine that the set of Monty Hall's game show Let's Make a Deal has three closed doors. Behind one of these doors is a car; behind the other two are goats. The contestant does not know where the car is, but Monty Hall does.

The contestant picks a door and Monty opens one of the remaining doors, one he knows doesn't hide the car. If the contestant has already chosen the correct door, Monty is equally likely to open either of the two remaining doors.

After Monty has shown a goat behind the door that he opens, the contestant is always given the option to switch doors. What is the probability of winning the car if she stays with her first choice? What if she decides to switch?

Should the contestant keep the original door that she picked or switch? It's one thing to know the answer, but quite another to know why it is correct. Well, you should always switch from the door you originally picked. Why? To better understand the probabilities, try this exercise.

--------------------

2. The Missing Dollar

Three men go to stay at a motel, and the man at the desk charges them $30.00 for a room. They split the cost ten dollars each. Later the manager tells the desk man that he overcharged the men, that the actual cost should have been $25.00. The manager gives the bellboy $5.00 and tells him to give it to the men. The bellboy, however, decides to cheat the men and pockets $2.00, giving each of the men only one dollar.

Now each man has paid $9.00 to stay in the room and 3 x $9.00 = $27.00. The bellboy has pocketed $2.00. $27.00 + $2.00 = $29.00 - so where is the missing $1.00?

Hint: It didn't go for taxes. Go to the bottom of the problem's link for the solution--but, only after you've tried to answer it.

--------------------

3. Guess Your Number

This puzzle allows you to pick one number out of a jumbled set, and the character in the game will guess your number. Well, if that doesn't make sense, just play the game and you will understand it. Click on the above link which will take you to the quiz, and advance each page by clicking on the guy at the bottom right "thumbing a ride."

How does it work? In the third grade, I learned a math concept called "casting out nines" to check my math. There's your hint. If you understand the concept, you can impress your friends by guessing their numbers.

--------------------

Wasn't that fun and a nice diversion from the worries of the world? If you didn't cheat and looked ahead at the solutions, these could keep you busy for hours--years if you're a liberal. Okay, back to work.

History Test

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual events from history. They actually happened! Do you remember?

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davey Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12-13 correct = Conservative, Proud, Probably Republican and A History Buff.
10-11 correct = Conservative, Proud, and A History Buff.
07-09 correct = Probably a bit too Progressive for most readers of this Blog.
05-06 correct = Progressive or liberal, unable to learn from history.
03-04 correct = Not at all able to learn from history, asks "Why do they hate us?"
00-02 correct = Your name is either Kennedy, Murtha, Pelosi, Reid, Zinni or perhaps Zarqawi or you are a member of that group of raggamuffins called Al Qaeda.

Nope, ......I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling. Let's remind this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense. As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."

"All We Are Saying, Is Give Peace a Chance"--Right after this station break.

Just when I had almost given up any hope for the world, we were visited by the late Beatle John Lennon through a seance in which he called for peace. Before you pass this off as just another sign of nuttiness from the left, you might want to learn more.

Lennon asks for peace: TV seance (Reuters 04/25/2005)

"Peace ... The Message is Peace."

That's what the producers of a US pay-television seance to contact John Lennon claimed the former Beatle said when communicating with them from beyond the grave.

People who...watch(ed) the pay-per-view Lennon special...saw audio crew members, a psychic and an expert in paranormal activity claim that the late Beatle's spirit made contact with them through what is described as an Electronic Voice Phenomenon (EVP). ...EVP is based on a belief that spirit voices communicate through radio and TV broadcast signals.

On the television show, filming...suddenly stopped and a narrator said something odd has happened. Show participants said that a mysterious voice can be heard on Power's voice feed. The producers called in "EVP specialist" Sandra Belanger to examine the voice and she proclaims it Lennon's.

Producer Paul Sharratt, who heads Starcast Productions and calls himself a sceptic, said hearing the voice has made him a believer. ....

Hey, call me crazy, but that's proof enough for me!

Other people missing John Lennon's advice for the world, according to this article, include Cuban dictator Fidel Castro: "What makes him great in my eyes is his thinking, his ideas. I share his dreams completely. I too am a dreamer who has seen his dreams turn into reality,'' added the 74-year-old former guerrilla who took power in the 1959 Cuban Revolution. ...The Communist Party daily, Granma, put the Beatles on a list of the most "relevant'' figures of the 20th century last year, below Castro, Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin, and Argentine-born guerrilla Ernesto "Che" Guevara.

Well, why not? After all, Lennon not only said, "Give peace a chance,' he also gave us these words of widsom:

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.

Okay, so for all of you who spent $9.95 on pay-per-view to watch the John Lennon seance calling for peace--get rid of those televisions so that there will be peace! Now!

So, are you now convinced that this isn't more nonsense from the loony left? If Castro and the communists admire John Lennon, then he must have had ideas appealing to them, too. Now, where's my remote control?

WUZZADEM Strikes Again

There is funny and there is

FUNNY

Renaissance Man

If you are lucky in life you will have many, many friends. Some are close, some are stodgy, tried and true. Some are weird, some are WYSIWYG. And sometimes, if you are very lucky and very good at picking such a friend when they do come by, you will find one who is all of the above.

Such a friend of mine is a fellow by the name of, well, I'll call him Tom short for Thomas which is good because that happens to be his real name. I first met Tom in May of 2001 when I began some consulting work for an adolescent substance abuse treatment center. Tom was the director of operations. We soon became more than just nodding acquaintances, but not quite friends. Over the years however, a true friendship developed between me the wiser and younger and him the slightly older (he'll never see 59 years old again). Tom is a world class practical joker, but never the mean sort. Once, he took my picture and unbeknownst to me treated it with his many digital skills on Photoshop and making my head a perfect Chia Head. The kids in the facility noted that it really wasn't like me because I had this "great big bald spot" on the back of my head. One adolescent looked at the photo, then at me, then back at the photo and thought I could cover up the bald spot if I used Miracle Gro. Nice kid. Tom got a laugh out of that, and still does as a matter of fact.

In the very early part of our relationship, there was a fire alarm set off by one of the tar pots used in re-roofing the building. The fire department came out with the captain in one of the largest fire trucks I have ever seen in my life. I walked up to him to explain that it had been a false alarm but before I could even introduce myself he asked (in a rather ticked off voice) "Who's in charge here?"

Since I was only a consultant I pointed to the Director of Operations and said he is. Again in a stern and ticked off voice the Fire Captain asked "What's your name?" Tom, with out batting an eye or any sign of being dishonest said "George M. Roper" Thanks Tom!

Tom is also one of those guys that likes to do nice things for his friends when he is not pulling jokes. When I was diagnosed with cancer, Tom was there with encouragement, prayers and friendship. He visited me in the hospital every day that I was there and those visits were deeply appreciated. Tom commiserated with me when my hair started falling out because of the chemo-therapy and talked about having to cover my head when outside so the glare wouldn't blind pilots flying nearby. But he also took a photo and treated it with kindness, respect and true friendship. He put it up on the web and if you want to see what I really look like, click here. I told Tom that every time I watched it, I got a little weepy eyed. Initially he said only "Yeah!"

But telling stories of Tom's practical jokes and digital skills is not the purpose of this post, telling you about this great guy is.

Tom had a rough childhood, mother died of cancer when he was very young, dad was kind of cruel and abusive. Tom ran away from home at about 15 or so and lived in a car for a couple of years. Encouraged to join the Army by a judge who didn't think Tom was a bad boy (note: The judge didn't ask ME!!!) he enlisted and served with distinction.

Over the years, Tom has worked in a number of industries, most notably the exciting field of Art. Now, I'm not a serious connoisseur of art, but "I know what I like." I have a "chopped" Dali print, a number of signed and numbered prints of Itzchak Tarkay. But I digress, Tom has forgotten more about art than I will ever know. And so, he has opened his own online shop to sell quality art prints and posters. Works by Da Vinci, Picasso, Dali and Van Gogh. Works by Ansel Adams, Frieda Kahlo and Diego Rivera not to mention Andy Warhol and Monet. Great pieces at great prices. So, I've added a link to the jpeg at the upper left and if you click on it, it will take you to his site. I've also added a blogad in the side bar on the right. Browse around and see if you don't see something you like.

Full Disclosure: I don't get a nickel from Tom if you buy something, but I think that if you do, I will be very appreciative.

So, in part, this is to get even with you Tom, but in a big part it is also to tell you what a great friend you are.

Tom, I have to see you 5 days a week, but that is ok, I can take some anti-nausea medicine when I get home! ;-)

UPDATE: Tom, who in my world is King Digital is also an Ambassador for Coffee Cup software. He gave me a mini-cd with all kinds of cool programs a lot are free and the rest are available at substantial discounts. If you would like a copy of this CD, send an email with your name and address to this link, you won't regret it.

Speculation on New White House Press Secretary

After yesterday's announcement that Scott McClellan will be stepping down as President Bush's White House Press Secretary, attention turned immediately to possible replacements to succeed him. Here are brief profiles on two candidates:

One, let's call him Tony, served as a speech writer for President Bush and is currently a news host on Fox News. The other, "Bob," is an unemployed former press secretary who suddently lost his job after new management replaced his former boss. Who do you think would be the best choice?

. . .

The former speech writer is intelligent and honest--a good choice for the right. However, the second guy has been saying exactly what the left wants to hear, "No U.S. troops in Iraq," so maybe he would be a good choice for them.

Jimmy Carter: "Kill the Wabbit"

Do you remember the episode when President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a killer rabbit--as documented in the picture below?

1979: Killer Rabbit Circles President in Boat Attack

Well, a lot of people made fun of Carter, but there is good news. A killer rabbit has been caught which may redeem the reputation of our former president. Click on this link and listen to our former commander in chief order the successful dispatch our enemy, which is shown captured in the next picture.

Ehhh, What's Up, Doc?

This won't win a peace prize, but can he have his reputation back?

Love Lust and Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Cheerfully stolen from BIGDADGIB

The Value of a REAL Education

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called
all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

Comments may be made here

More PC From The Anglican Church

The Daily Ablution has a remarkable post up on a Welsh Clergyman who is in trouble with the Anglican Church for publishing.......... Wait For Itt............. A CARICATURE OF MOHAMMAD.......New Riots Coming? Scott Burgess does a marvelous job of describing how to deal with the dreaded MOE or, Muslim Offence Emergency. A sample:

The recommended CCC response to an MOE or a potential MOE rests upon three pillars:

Containment - Inappropriate material, information and opinions must be prevented from infecting public discourse.

Culpability - Those who allow such material to be disseminated must be named and punished. Whether such dissemination springs from a deliberate attempt to offend is immaterial.

Contrition - Muslim leaders should be sought out and apologised to, preferably on more than one occasion.

Here is the "offensive" cartoon:

Stop complaining, Mohammad ... we've all been caricatured, here.

Hmmmm, now that I have published the cartoon, should I worry about Anglican Church Leaders taking my blog away? Nah, they aren't stupid enough to try that.

Political Incorrectness Supported Here

Cities Warm, Glaciers Melt, and Bush Does Nothing

There's disturbing news about our warming weather that will impact everyone in our country. We cannot say for sure that President Bush is responsible, but many in the scientific community believe that our nation's leader is doing nothing about this situation which will cause our cities to become hotter and glaciers to melt faster. Many of you may want to know what is happening and why Bush sits on his hands.

As you may know, very small changes to the Earth can result in major changes to our weather. Discover Magazine reported the latest impact with this information for the month of March: "Daylight increases at its fastest pace of the year: it grows longer by three minutes per day in New York City and Denver, seven minutes daily in Fairbanks, Alaska." Can you imagine what this added effect of the sun will do to our weather and our ice cap? Go to the information linked at "Continue Reading" to understand this better. And, oh yes, for our readers--everyone, don't worry...and enjoy the Spring.

Continue reading "Cities Warm, Glaciers Melt, and Bush Does Nothing"

Yada, Yada, Yada!

Pi Day Celebrates 300 Years!

As mathematicians are celebrating today, March 14th, as "pi day" (3.14--get it?), let's remind everyone about the problems with this complex number from a previous post:

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. � NASA engineers and mathematicians in this high-tech city are stunned and infuriated after the Alabama state legistature narrowly passed a law yesterday redefining pi, a mathematical constant used in the aerospace industry. The bill to change the value of pi to exactly three was introduced without fanfare by Leonard Lee Lawson (R, Crossville).... "We just want to return pi to its traditional value," he said, "which, according to the Bible, is three."

Almost prophetic, it was 300 years ago this year, in 1706, that the Greek letter pi was first introduced to represent this number used primarily to compute the area of pizzas. Furthermore, 300 years divisible by the traditional pi value of 3 equals 100, which is a perfect score. Does this now make sense?

Anyway, go here to send your dearest friends a Happy Pi Day card. Enjoy the parades and festivities.

The Very First Blond "GUY" joke

The very first ever Blond GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)
(Wait for it!!!)

Continue reading "The Very First Blond "GUY" joke"

Earth in the Balance - And Liberals in the Dark

Global warming protestors should be upset about a recently publicized phenomena--U.S. cities being plunged into darkness by daily changes in our planet. Has mankind affected the Earth so much that this is the result, or are we to accept wing-nut claims that this is just part of nature? Just read excerpts from this article explaining the problem, likely causes, and reactions.

the Onion: Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness

NEW YORK�Millions of eyewitnesses watched in stunned horror Tuesday as light emptied from the sky, plunging the U.S. and neighboring countries into darkness. As the hours progressed, conditions only worsened.

As the phenomenon hit New York, millions of motorists were forced to use their headlights to navigate through the blackness. Highways flooded with commuters who had left work to hurry home to their families. Traffic was bottlenecked for more than two hours in many major metropolitan areas.

"Vast gravitational forces have rotated the planet Earth on an axis drawn through its north and south poles," said Dr. Elena Bilkins of the National Weather Service. "The Earth is in actuality spinning uncontrollably through space."

"I looked out the window and saw it getting dark when I was still at the office working," said Albert Serpa, 27, a lawyer from Tulsa, OK, who had taken shelter with others at Red's Bar and Grill. "That's when I knew I had to leave right away."

Ronald Jarrett, a professor of economics at George Washington University who left his office after darkness blanketed the D.C. metro area, summed up the fears of an entire nation, saying, "Look, it's dark outside. I want to go home," and ended the phone interview abruptly.

Is this the future of the planet--nightly darkness?

Why should you be concerned? Because the threat to life, the anecdotal evidence, and the prevailing claims of Bush's culpability on this are just as valid as similar proof and claims on global warming. If you can accept one, then you can believe the other. Save the Earth! Show your degree of logic and intelligence by writing letters to the editor to oppose the darkening of our hemisphere every single day. Don't accept crazy claims that the setting sun is a natural occurence, do demand billions for research...and, be sure to blame Bush! The Democrats need issues.

Is Whittington Dead?

Espella Humanzee has uncovered a dastardly plot to hide the truth of the death of Mr. Whittington:

The "mainstream" left is spreading a rumor the Harry Whittington did indeed die at the merciless hands of Vice President Dick "Deadeye" Cheney and a perfect body double has taken his place. My conservative world was turned upside down when I discovered the awful truth.

I'm heart broken, but I'm glad that my friend and fellow conservative has broken the story.

Surgical Jokes

Having just gone through life saving surgery, a very dear friend sent me the following joke using politics and surgeons as the foil. So, this is an open post and please post any surgeon's jokes you wish, it doesn't matter who the butt of the joke is about, liberal/conservative, democrat/republican, all that matters is that it be funny, and that you keep it clean (well, as clean as humanly possible... OK?)

Here is my entry (sent to me by a friend) to get the ball rolling:

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York.

If you have a joke about surgeons, surgery, the patient what ever, please post it in the comments section. Keep it clean, but the idea is to have a repository of humor for those facing surgery. Laughter
is still the best medicine.

Graphic courtesy of Crystal of Crystal Clear

Surgical Jokes

Having just gone through life saving surgery, a very dear friend sent me the following joke using politics and surgeons as the foil. So, this is an open post and please post any surgeon's jokes you wish, it doesn't matter who the butt of the joke is about, liberal/conservative, democrat/republican, all that matters is that it be funny, and that you keep it clean (well, as clean as humanly possible... OK?)

Here is my entry (sent to me by a friend) to get the ball rolling:

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York.

If you have a joke about surgeons, surgery, the patient what ever, please post it in the comments section. Keep it clean, but the idea is to have a repository of humor for those facing surgery. Laughter
is still the best medicine.

Graphic courtesy of Crystal of Crystal Clear

G.M. and Woody's Brilliant Conversation

Yesterday, G.M. called me and we had a brilliant conversation. He is still under the influence of pain medicine and I was out of it from being at the office until 4:30 in the morning, having less than three hours of sleep, and yet driving at the time. To the best of my memory, the conversation went something like this:

G.M. : Hey, Woody. I'm out of intensive care. (Then some kind of mumbling.)
Woody : Great, G.M.! How are you feeling? Hey, idiot, get back in your own lane!
G.M. : My family and some friends just left. Thanks for helping me out. You have mmmphhh arranff good job.
Woody : Thanks, everyone has been helping, but we're really missing you. What is he doing? I have the right-of-way. Yeah, we can't really fill in and do the type of posts that you're good at.
G.M. : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Oh, oh. Yeah. (Then, something or other.)
Woody : I'll try to do a post when I get home tonight. Wait a minute. My wife's calling. (Some time later.) Hey, sorry. Yeah, I mumble, mumble.
G.M. : Unintelligible
Woody : Huh? Hey, I better let you get some rest. I know you're tired from the visitors and recovery.
G.M. : Yeah, well hrumploan eorjoin tulu.
Woody : Yeah, I got all of that. Have a good rest and I'll try to do a post when I get home.

I hope this has been an informative update. Oh,when I got home, I fell asleep, which is better than driving that way. Anyway, G.M. is recovering nicely and we'll try to get up some more news for you soon. Thanks for your interest and stand by for more.

Muhammad Cartoons: Flush Out Offenders and Wipe Away Problem

- G.M. is still recovering nicely and communicated that it would be nice if we did a post on the controversy over the cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad. Naturally, in his interest, I warned him that some Muslim may not like it and could stand on his oxygen tube. Nevertheless, as a good soldier, I follow orders. It's his hide, and he's not around to deny this, anyway...so, here goes. Well, why is there controversy? Why are people apologizing over these cartoons or else running for the hills if they don't?

Do you remember when The National Endowment for the Arts funded and defended art work offensive to decent people and Christians? They felt that they could take money from taxpayers and use that money to insult those taxpayers by claiming freedom of speech and expression. (Hey, guys, do your freedom of speech thing with your own money.) Nevertheless, we were forced to pay for "Piss Christ," a crucifix submerged in a plastic container filled with the artist's own urine. Did you have any problem with that? Did you see tens of thousands of people protesting in the streets and threatening death to the artist? No, and I also sure didn't see any liberals rushing to apologize for the offending art work. But, this is different...or, maybe, they're scared to death of retaliation.

But, I have to agree that the Muhammad depictions have gotten out of hand. In fact, the White House has denounced changes to some government bathroom facilities, as they relate to this issue. I am presenting this only as a public service to show examples of offensive material and what types of things we should avoid and not pass along. I know that you will respect the spirit of this and take it with the sincerity offered. I suspect that G.M. would agree, but I'm probably lucky that he hasn't gotten out of the hospital yet.

Click on the "Continued" link to view the latest controversial art.

Continue reading "Muhammad Cartoons: Flush Out Offenders and Wipe Away Problem"

Cindy Sheehan, Proud Member of the Left - Runs Mouth, Not Race

Well, California Sen. Diane Feinsten and President Bush can relax and take a deep breath. Cindy Sheehan just announced that she has decided against running for the U.S. Senate. What a shocker. And, she had so much support! (Remember the lines at her book signings?) Now, Sheehan can devote full time to putting her face on the left and the Democratic Party who have cheered her in her protests against our nation, our president, and our military-and just in time for the Fall elections. The CNN report gave us more about her announcement and the effect on the crowd:

Behind her, supporters held a sign that said, "Peace is the most noble cause." A young girl clutched a sign that read, "Peace and love are the ONLY noble cause."

Well, good. Now that we find that national healthcare, stopping global warming, and abortion are not included in noble causes, can we take those hyped-up issues away from the Democrats? Hey, aren't "peace and love" two causes--not one? Maybe teaching the left to count would be a noble cause.

Air Force One - Up Close and Personal

Today I saw Air Force One parked at the airport, which I thought was pretty cool, so I took a picture of it to show the kids.

This is not my picture. When I tried to proudly display the proof of my seeing the plane from fairly close, the digital image had totally disappeared! I couldn't have made a careless error like failing to save it correctly. So, I checked some left-wing, conspiratorial sites, and they confirm that there are, in fact, secret emissions and signals coming from Air Force One to not only erase unauthorized pictures, but tap into the brains, yes brains, of average citizens. Lucky for the left that they don't have anything to be tapped. Tomorrow, I think I'll get my camera checked.

Republicans Think - Democrats Feel : I'll take the Republican brain.

I have been involved in discussions about brains of conservatives vs. liberals. No, it's not whether one uses the left hemisphere and the other uses the right. My discussions involve whether liberals have any brains at all. Well, at The People's Cube, I found these medically correct diagrams of Republican brains and brains(?) of liberal Democrats. This helps to explain our differences.

The creator deserves much credit for these images, especially for the one of the liberal brain, because, as he stated, "Naturally it took twice as much time to map it because the brain of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican brain." Well, I don't know about the brains of liberals being "open minded." I just write that off to emotions and drugs. I also don't know about Republicans being bigoted, but there is some truth as to being them being rigid, because once you've reached a correct and logical conclusion, there's no reason to keep changing it.

Psychic Preview of President Bush's State of the Union Address

President Bush is set to deliver the State of the Union address to Congress and to the American people. C-Span provides a historical review of these Presidential messages, with transcripts back to Truman and a video all the way back to Nixon. However, we will go one step further and provide President Bush's State of the Union address by looking into the future. Please watch the preview by clicking on the picture caption.

Psychic Preview of President Bush's 2006 State of the Union Address

In another incredible display of psychic powers, I am predicting that the Democrats will criticize everything that President Bush says.

Intellectual Skills of Conservatives

I enjoy brain teasers and other mental challenges. (Debating a liberal is not a mental challenge.) This weekend, I discovered and attempted a fun "Mensa" test. By coincidence, a Woody at a different site found a similar test from Mensa and posted it on his site. So, realizing that the stars must be aligned, I thought it appropriate to provide these brain exercises to our readers, who are bright and logical.

If you are a liberal, don't try them. It doesn't count if you call the test creators insulting names, cry that the tests are biased, say that any answer should be right in the name of diversity, and blame Bush for any question that you miss. And, oh yes, Mensa has nothing to do with a woman's cycle, so this test is probably anti-feminist.

BTW, the other Woody got 30 out of 30 on his test, and I got 29 out of 33 (so far) on my test. On the test that I took, I didn't get questions 14, 17, 30, and 31: which gripes me because I know that the answers will appear so obvious once I see them. Good luck if you attempt these quizzes. I have high expectations for our group.

While not a test but along the line of intelligence, another blogger named, yes, Woody recently exhibited his mental skills with an impressive translation of Osama Bin Laden's recent message from Arabic to English; thus, revealing much that the dominant media didn't tell us. Good job, Woody (not me...him.)

Let us know how you did on the tests or if you have any other challenges to recommend.

P.S. For extra points, has anyone heard from Cindy Sheehan lately? Is she still at her book signing?

A Church For Libs!

My good friend and fellow conservative blogger Jeffery Blanco (The Louisiana Conservative) has founded a new "church" (small c, always in quotes) for the more "liberal" among us. You may get offended but know it's all poking fun at the more liberal element and their Oh-So-Rightous demeanor, more likely, you will laugh your fanny off. Go read, enjoy!

Ted Kennedy Creates a Splash - for the Children, Of Course

Surely this is a put-on...but, according to a real article in the USA Today book section, Ted Kennedy is writing a book for young people in which he is the main character along with...are you ready? Are you really ready? His co-protagonist is a Portuguese Water Dog named Splash! Yes, Kennedy's side-kick is a water dog. And, his name is Splash! Well, it had to be that or a St. Bernard with a cask. Someone wake me and tell me this is a spoof.

Sen. Ted Kennedy to publish children's book (c) AP

NEW YORK (AP) � Meet the latest children's author, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and his Portuguese Water Dog, Splash, his co-protagonist in My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C. Ted Kennedy's 56-page children's book will be released by Scholastic Inc. in May.

"I am very excited about the opportunity to create a book for young readers and their families that will deepen their understanding of how our American government works," Kennedy said in a statement Monday issued by Scholastic.

According to Scholastic, Kennedy's book "not only takes readers through a full day in the Senator's life, but also explains how a bill becomes a law." Kennedy, a Massachusetts Democrat, was inspired to write the book from his work with a Washington-based reading program, "Everybody Wins!"

Well, "Everyone Wins" unless you're the passenger in Kennedy's car...and were unlucky enough that Splash the wonder water dog wasn't there to save you. I'm anxiously awaiting the chapter where Kennedy teaches Splash how to rescue drowning people.

What other adventures could Kennedy and Splash have to teach children about Washington? "Splash filibusters a Presidential appointment?" "Splash opposes military funding?" But, my favorite will be "Splash bites the Senator in the crotch."

ÆSOP Revisited

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through theforest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,Idon't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you'recovered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and very smooth, you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a lawyer, a journalist or a Democrat."

With apologies and a tip of the GM Chapeaux to Patty at This, That and Frog Hair

Four on the Floor: As low as this can go.

-- G.M. challenged me to answer The Meme of Four, so here is my best attempt:

Four jobs you’ve had in your life: Taking our garbage cans to the street, picking up bread and milk on the way home, representing my wife in traffic court (and winning), and defending Ronald Reagan against liberals.

Four movies you could watch over and over: Just intellectual movies with messages like Pee Wee's Big Adventure, National Lampoon's Vacation, Smokey and the Bandit, and especially these Jane Fonda films.

Four places you’ve lived: As "lived" can have more than one meaning...a golf course along the ocean, going parking as a teenager, 1971 road trip to New Orleans, and as an electrician in Colonial America in my former life.

Four TV shows you love to watch: Star Gazer, Winky Dink with samples here, Girls Gone Wild infomercials, and the Charlie's Angels show where Farrah Fawcett wore that cute swim suit.

Four places you’ve been on vacation: I take vacations one hour at a time at work.

Four websites you visit daily: Microsoft Help Page, GM's Corner, HTTP 404 - File not found, and this science fiction site.

Four of your favorite foods: Any meal picked up by a client, ketchup, pralines, and Dippin' Dots.

Four places you’d rather be: The future, the White House, further from Neverland Ranch, and age eighteen again with what I know now.

Four albums you can’t live without: Only the ones that I use for drink coasters. Not this one, probably not this one, not this one, certainly not this one, and REALLY not this one .

I hope this cleared up any questions and gave you more insight into how I think. Satisfied, G.M.?

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Woody

Citations Concernant Le Français ~ Quotes Regarding The French

And now a word regarding our French Allies

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." --Mark Twain.

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --General George S. Patton.

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf.

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." --Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." --Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." --Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --Regis Philbin.

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." --P.J O'Rourke (1989).

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." --John McCain, U.S. Senator

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either" --Jay Leno.

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada." --Ted Nugent.

"War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II."

"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" --Tom Brokaw.

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" --Dennis Miller.

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." --Alan Kent

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." --Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once'." --Rep. Roy Blount (MO)

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." --Dennis Miller

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." --Rep. Roy Blount (MO)

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." --John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney - (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Space Aliens Inhabit Bodies of Democrats: No Sign of Intelligent Life

Yes, it seems to be true. Space aliens have taken over the bodies of prominent Democrats. They are working to take over our country by destroying our military and will to fight. If you believe them, we have no hope and you must make them masters of your life. They will subject vast segments of society by gradually making them dependent for basic needs and security--for the price of their freedoms. They will force them to give up their weapons. Those who resist and strive to remain self-sufficient will be drained financially with exorbitant taxes--even those who are dead will be taxed again, but they will still count their votes. The plot is sinister, but their plans constantly fail. There is a reason.

These aliens were thought to represent intelligent life from another world, but so far there have been no signs of intelligence coming forth from these Democratic look-alikes. They have no concept of history and have failed to learn anything from previous elections. They continually criticize those in current power but offer no original ideas for alternatives--thus, unhappy voters see no reason to change to them. The alien "solutions" have been seen before and the consequences have recked havoc on the populace. In fact, Jimmy Carter, an alien, tried to destroy our nation before being shot-down by a Ronald Ray-gun.

The aliens claim that quitting a war brings peace, but they give hope to the enemy and end up with more deaths in the battlefield and with the citizens. They claim that higher taxes and more money spent on the poor will make everyone equal and end poverty--yet, trillions of dollars later there is just as much poverty as before. They want to cripple the economic engine that drives our free enterprise system to "save the earth," but their proof of global disaster is manipulated and their allies are competing and envious nations. They say that they want free speech but they limit debates with political correctness and bans on "hate speech" that they define. They spread propaganda through school programs put in place eighty years ago and that are beginning to bear fruit with school officials who discourage individual thought and classes that won't teach our nation's founding. After school, adult indoctrination continues through some sinister device that goes under the code name MSM.

Alien Leader Planning to Go to New
Hampshire and South Carolina and
Arizona and North Dakota....

Yet, it's possible that they came from Bizarro World where everything is backwards. They say we should quit when they mean that we should fight and win. They say that the President lies when they mean that he is honest. They say that they care "for the children" when they care for themselves. It's possible--but unlikely. Well, maybe that last example is true.

Be aware of these aliens and don't give them power to control you or our nation. Analyze what they say and watch what they do. Question their motives and watch for tell-tale signs such as anger or evading your points, as this is common to the alien Democrats. The consequences of following them lead to ruin. But, we can avoid the bad fates that their kind have created in other lands--like France.

I hope that we can end their attempt to capture our minds and bodies before they can perform the well-documented and unpleasant anal probes of their victims. However, I already feel like they have stuck it to me in the end. Spread the word--and keep your pants on.

NOTE FROM GM: I have taken an extraordinary step in the comments section of this entry and removed a number of comments wherein a troll or several trolls have asked Woody to defend his allegations. People, this was a humor section and it is MY BLOG and I have invited Woody to be a part of that effort. Woody has surpassed expectations as a blogger. He is intelligent, kind and up front. I will no longer tolerate those trolls whose only purpose is to drive traffic to their blog or to tie up this blog in interminable argument for the sake of argument. The posts are not gone, I'm just storing them in a different place. If the socalled authors of those comments wish, they can e-mail me an apology, Woody an apology and post a comment apologizing to the other commenters and readers. Then, and only then will I return their comments to the comment section.

"John Kerry Reporting for Duty" - Wins Election!

Well, it's not as exciting as the title makes it seem. John Kerry served on a jury this week and was elected foreman.

John Kerry Elected!

Kerry was not only chosen this week to sit on a jury in Suffolk Superior Court, but also was elected foreman. The former Democratic presidential candidate reported for duty Monday and none of the lawyers in the case objected to putting him on the jury.

Can't you see Kerry saluting as he entered the courtroom reporting for (jury) duty. That jury room must have been mass confusion as Kerry kept switching sides and had everyone confused as to where he stood. The verdict was likely "We voted in favor of the plaintiff before we voted against him." Then, that could have been followed with denouncements that the Republicans kept some jurors from voting.

Kerry Pondering Verdict

In the article, the AP reporter included a gratuitous remark that a fellow juror from Boston regretted voting for Bush after being charmed by Kerry, who discussed his battles and said that his wife didn't understand him. There was no word if Kerry had signed Form 180 and provided his medical records to this lady, who is a nurse and could finally let us know what is in those files.

Kerry concluded his experience by saying, "I enjoyed it. It was very, very interesting and very instructive." What??!! Very instructive? This is a guy who wanted to appoint Supreme Court judges, and he's just learning about the jury system?

Anyway, let's not take anything away from him being selected jury foreman. It must have been tough winning a majority of votes from twelve Massachusetts jurors. It's a start for 2008.

November 23rd - Be Nice to a Conservative Day!

November 23rd is my birthday. It would seem appropriate, therefore and in lieu of gifts, that on this day that everyone finds a conservative to treat with kindness. We can simply call it "Be Nice to a Conservative Day." We know that conservatives endure attacks all year from people on the left who simply don't have the proper upbringing or manners to extend common courtesies, but if we highlight one day a year for them to make that special effort, then maybe they might find it within themselves to be nice to at least one conservative that day. It would do my heart good and would be worth more than cards and gifts. Please share with us your experiences of giving or receiving an act of kindness for this occasion.

Sports Rivalry in Alabama

Traditionally, our family gets together for important events--like weddings, funerals, and the Alabama - Auburn games--the last being the most important. Within the family, loyalties are split between those two colleges, whose rivalry is the greatest and most bitter in the country. To illustrate the divide in the state, check the class picture below from an elementary school in Tuscaloosa, the home of The University of Alabama, and note the kid wearing the Auburn University shirt.

While this is worse than Democrats and Republicans getting together, at least the barbeque and tail-gating is better.

Another Etiquette Tip for the Left

As we continue our series to raise the social and decency standards for our friends on the left, here is a quick lesson:

Pick Your Nose Inconspicuously

This article provides detailed steps on the subject, along with these points of advice:

• NEVER perform a visual examination on whatever it is you have extracted from your nose! This is most amateurish and is one of the most common ways of getting caught.

• Post-operative protocol requires immediate and thorough hand-washing.

...and, this:

Remember, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose!

Might I add this illustrated advice:

Please, please avoid in-between meal snacks!

Bush lied.., ummm, ummm. Hey, this tastes good!

So, if I ever hesitate to shake hands with a liberal, it's not because I'm rude but it's because I know where his fingers have been. Cultured people don't have to pick their noses.

Etiquette - Helping the Left Out of the Gutter

In recent days, unpleasant comments were cast our way, causing one to realize that some visitors from the left were ignorant of social graces and rules of etiquette. It is not unexpected nor are they to blame. Country clubs and cotillions, where these social traits are honed, were missing in their neighborhoods, and there were inadequate government programs to teach manners. To help those on the left, I will offer selections from a lesson in dinner etiquette, as taken from The Business Forum. Proper etiquette does not go unnoticed , it is often rewarded with positions that are the envy of the 'hood, and it provides lessons for discussions on this site. A link is provided for the entire study, and I encourage you to read it.

The Etiquette of Formal & Business Dining

• If there is a coat check attendant or a footman, then the proper procedure is for the gentleman to first hand his hat, (which should have been removed before he entered the foyer), along with his gloves and cane or umbrella (rolled and buttoned), if he is carrying them, to the attendant.

• Only call a waiter or server to help you during a formal function if you absolutely have to and, an escorted lady should never do so; she should instead ask her escort to do it for her.

• At the best functions and in the finest restaurants your wine will be served in the proper glass. The most embarrassing incident can take place if you or even your escort, not knowing this, asks if he or she can have a "bigger" or a "smaller" glass.

• One should never use one's fingers at any formal dining experience, (except for moving pieces of bread to your mouth) unless a delicacy is served which it is impossible to eat unless one uses one's fingers. ...these days it is more often than not frowned upon as boorish behavior.

• It is always inappropriate to ask the waiter for a "doggy bag" to take home the leftovers when you are a guest at either a formal function or at a good restaurant. If the waiter suggests you can take home the leftovers, decline with a polite but firm, "Thank you, but no".

• If food gets between your teeth while you are eating, and you are not able to remove it with your tongue, ask the waiter to bring you a toothpick (if you did not remember to bring one with you) then lower your face until you are looking into your lap and cover your mouth with your free hand to use the toothpick.

• And finally, and most importantly:
Always remember that a formal function is no place for preaching or verbally bullying others, and that profanity of any kind, or argument, or loud or lewd behavior in any form is also frowned upon in polite company. Dignity will never go out of style.

Of course, all of our regular readers are probably laughing and wondering who doesn't already know these things. Don't be surprised at the number of common people, i.e., those on the left, who have not been trained in social areas. Therefore, I hope this information helps them for the next business dinner--and, to learn the proper style for discussions.

We will continue the lessons in another series titled "Deferring to the Intellect and Reasoning of Conservatives."

Help Democrats Understand Iraqi War

The Democrats want answers as to why the U.S. is at war in Iraq. Maybe this picture will help them find a reason.

Thanks to the clever and nice guys at Sacred Cow Burgers(c) !

Any questions? Pass this on to any of your skeptic friends.

Linked at Cao's Blog

Hate Bush? - Take This Test and Leave the Country.

When George W. Bush was elected President, we had the usual Hollywood villains huffing that they were leaving the country. Much to our disappointment, they didn't. Then, when Bush was running for re-election, those threats (or promises to me) were made again--and not kept. It's possible that the complainers didn't leave because they had no knowledge of how to become citizens of another country. So, I offer this British citizenship test for everyone who wants to escape Bush. If Madonna can learn to speak with a British accent, then certainly the Hollywood elite can read a book to pass this test and keep their promises to get out of Dodge.

BBC News - Can you pass a citizenship test?

The government is launching the citizenship test for foreigners who want to become British. If you want the passport, then you'll have to read Life in the UK, a special book, and sit a 45-minute test on society, history and culture. But do you know what it is to be British? The following very unofficial questions are based on information in the official book - let's see how well you do.

First, here is a question that I missed when I took the test. (This is really covered.)

Life in the UK explains what to do if you spill someone's pint in the pub. What, according to the book, usually happens next?

A: You would offer to buy the person another pint
B: You would offer to dry their wet shirt with your own
C: You may need to prepare for a fight in the car park

If you think that you can handle these questions on the U.K., you can find the Sample Test Here.

When I took the U.S. citizenship tests in an earlier post, I was able to get 100%, but I only got 8 out of 14 for the British test, so I guess that I'm sticking around the U.S. I wouldn't have it any other way--especially if many of the left leave.

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale!

Once upon a time, in a land far away a Prince asked A Princess the age old question: "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "NO WAY!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after. He went fishing, hunting, played golf, watched TV a lot and drank beer and belched loudly whenever he wanted.

THE END

The Evil Condi Controversy: A RA^THER GATE TYPE EXPOSE'

Michele Malkin, God Bless Her Soul, noticed a photograph (on the left here) of Condoleezza Rice that was published in USA today. The photo really looks evil with those eyes glaring out from under that classic forehead. Malkin, always alert, thought there was something fishy and went in search of perhaps a different photo and came up with this one:

And I'd say that this is a big difference (and no, I'm not referring to the size of the photo.)



As she blogged about the obvious "editing" of the photograph, the blogosphere picked up on the story and lo and behold USA withdrew the "doctored" photo and said:

Editor's note: The photo of Condoleezza Rice that originally accompanied this story was altered in a manner that did not meet USA TODAY's editorial standards. The photo has been replaced by a properly adjusted copy. Photos published online are routinely cropped for size and adjusted for brightness and sharpness to optimize their appearance. In this case, after sharpening the photo for clarity, the editor brightened a portion of Rice's face, giving her eyes an unnatural appearance. This resulted in a distortion of the original not in keeping with our editorial standards."

Brightness huh? Sharpness huh? Well, being the type of fellow I am, and enjoying working with Photoshop Elements 2.0 as I do (and I'm testing 4.0 for the fun of it who knows, I may even buy it) I decided to see if my meager skills with photoshop could "sharpen and brighten" Ms. Rice and get the same evil-eyed effect. Here is the second photo "brightened" with a technique called fillflash, what USA said they did.

It does have them 'ole evil eyes don't it... NOT!!!! This photo was retouched using fill flash of about +10 on the scale of the fillflash technique. Much better than the original above, but still no evil eyes. So, now we have to try and "sharpen" the same photo with fillflash to produce them 'ole evil eyes.

Well, with the edges sharpened and a little fill flash, she looks a mite angrier, but she for sure doesn't look like the photo at the top.

This is my last submission, it looks MUCH more like the initial photo. It was done by changing the pixels in the photos at the eyes. I'm not really good at the skill needed for half tones, but given time, I'm pretty sure I could have almost exactly reproduced the very top photo, or one damn near like it.

I have no expectations that this will prove a "smoking gun" like they did with the non-memos of Ra^therGate but I think it does prove that the MSM is full of crap and they think they can get away with all kinds of things (and, before blogs, they could to be honest.) But, not this time folks, not this time.

Tip of the GM Chapeaux to Sissy Willis

UPDATE: Discussed this photo with a friend this morning (10/27/05) and he commented, "Hey George, and you are an amateur at photoshop." Yeah, I am, and if I could do this, a pro ought to be able to do much better. But the USAToday pro got caught because of us pajama-clad amateurs.

Egypt Slaughters 10's Of Thousands French Ducklings.

CAIRO, Oct 23 (AFP) - Egypt's civil aviation authority slaughtered thousands of French ducklings on Sunday after it was ordered earlier this week to comply with a ban on imports of live birds and poultry products to keep out bird flu, an airport official said.

I just have one question. Were the FRENCH ducklings offered a chance to surrender first?

Linked at TMHBaconBits and at Cao's Blog

Subject: democrat....republican or southern republican

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

Why isn't he happy playing nighttime basketball?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Can I call Howard Dean or John Kerry and see what they think I should do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

And a Tip Of The GM Chapeaux to Raven of And Rightly So

Congress Completes Design

Yesterday the Agriculture, Environmental and Interior Committee's of both the House of Representatives and the Senate completed work on a completely new design for animal husbandry. Congress, not known for it's bi-partisan works of late, has labored over this design for decades.

Started under the Johnson Administration as part of the War on Poverty, Congress was set the task of finding a food source that could easily be used in either the food stamps program via commercial grocery stores or distributed under its commodities programs.

Though both Democrats and Republicans initially took on the task with glee and a determination to get it right, soon partisan bickering made it obvious that various committee members had their own ideas regarding what was necessary. Finally however Congress has seemingly gotten their collective act together and completed work on a task set before them on January 27, 1964. And though it has taken almost 42 years to complete, the results are stunning to say the least.

Continue reading "Congress Completes Design"

Global Warming Update!

Causes of so called global warming have run rampant. Some claim that it is because of human intervention. This is easy to disprove in-as-much as we can prove that the Polar Ice Cap from the last Ice Age has been shrinking long before mankind (womankind? personskind? peoplekind? -- come on you PC'ers, what term should we use?) came on the scene in numbers enough to affect the ice. Proof of that is here and here and here as supplied by our intrepid Woody (He made me use that word, I would have just called him our diligently scientific Woody...gmr).

Yet, despite Woody's attempts to get to the bottom of the urban legend of global warming, the philistines persist. The ballyhoo continues. So, it is a fact that temperatures have been rising since around the early 1800's, and it is also a fact that the occupation of Piracy has significantly declined since that time. Perhaps there is a connection. After all, with all the interests in "piracy" these days, from movies to blogs to language (and even more language) the connection between a decrease in the number of pirate's and the increase in temperature can no longer be ignored by the scientific community.

In the early 1800's (1820 to be scientifically accurate according to our accumulated evidence) the number of active pirates was around 35,000. By the end of the twenty century that number had decreased substantially to around 17, give or take a couple of hundred. Coupled with that knowledge, it is obvious that mean global temperatures had also changed from around 14.25 degrees Centigrade to around 15.9 degrees Centigrade. The following graph supplied (albeit unknowingly) by the fine blog Mish Mash by Ryan Shea Cannot be denied.

As Ryan says, "Draw Your Own Conclusions." Furthermore, as William Teach says, "Arrrrgggghhhh," ignore the evidence at your own peril.

A tip of the GM Chapeaux to Hatless in Hattiesburg

Tin Foil Hats Are Obsolete

Given the frequency of Democratic conspiracy theories regarding the Evil Karl Rove, the Dastardly President George Bush and the All Powerful Global Conglerate Halliburton, the suggestion that they all get out their tin foil hats has been made time and time again in the blogosphere. Perhaps the origin of the tinfoil protectors was here, perhaps from the "Thought Screens" of E.E."Doc" Smith's Lensman Series.

Regardless of the origins, here is the real poop, the lowdown, the real McCoy, the cat's meow, the ........ Well, go and find out for yourself. Read all the links and after you stop laughing, send a generous contribution to your favorite mental health charity.

A tip of the GM Chapeaux to Just Barking Mad!

G.M. Will Return Tomorrow -- None Too Soon

There is good news on the horizon. G.M. will return from his conference on Friday and will resume his postings--putting a stop to this nonsense and saving the reputation of this site. Thanks for putting up with me this week and don't blame G.M. for anything that you read.

If Humor = Intelligence and Left = Laughs, then why is the left so dumb?

A Russian physicist discovered a formula for laughter and concluded that "a sense of humor is a strong male quality, a sign of good intellect."

"A sense of humor is a strong male quality. It is a sign of good intellect. Evolution stakes precisely on the intellect since a smart fellow has more chances of survival. That is why a sense of humor can be a much bigger sign of masculinity than the pumped-up muscles. Needless to say, I'm talking about the subconscious level of perception."

Well, I don't know if this proves that the left is intelligent, but they sure do make me laugh a lot.

Hey, do you know why the chicken crossed the road?
To show the possum that it could be done.

Okay, maybe I need to work on my muscles instead.

Tim Russert, You Get To The Woodshed Right This Moment, Do You Hear Me Young Man?

One of the funniest, if not THE funniest thing I've read in a very long time. WUZZADEM You Rock!

My New Car!

I just bought a new 2006 Automobile, but I returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued, and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!", I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

"CREEPS, JERKS, IDIOTS!" I yelled.

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....

I LOVE this car !!!!!!!!!

Bush Exploits New Orleans Flood - A View from the Left

In the sense of fairness, we're presenting the truth about George W. Bush and his hurricane response through the eyes of the left--and, the picture isn't pretty and just got worse. To recap so far, we have learned that Bush caused the hurricane because he ignored global warming, that he directed the storm to strike New Orleans which is under a Democratic mayor and governor, that he took money needed to upgrade the levees so that he could reduce taxes for the rich, that he sent the National Guard to Iraq making them unavailable for rescues, that he made no preparations for the disaster and appointed incompetent friends to FEMA, that he (and this is terrible) bombed the levees to flood the city and wouldn't save those washed out because they were black and Bush is a racist, that he blamed everyone else for his problems, that he conveniently hired Halliburton two months before the storm for the clean-up, that he won't recover bodies, and that, in general, he is totally clueless. Wow! I guess that covers it all. But, wait. Now, there's something else. You just have to see the picture below to believe it. It is horrible and speaks for itself. This guy should be impeached.

Caution. Don't go further if you support Bush.
.
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Okay I warned you.
.
.
.
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See. Bush's personal exploitation shows his insensitivity to the plight of those looters dying and homeless behind him. But, on the other hand, that is a pretty good looking fish. Good job, Mr. President!

via Denny in Atlanta

New Modes Of Transportation

Given the gasoline crunch, may I recommend the following mode of transportation? It uses only grass and a little effort to kick start it. I would however recommend a rear mounted basket for the exhaust.

Continue reading "New Modes Of Transportation"

Why Didn't We See This Coming?

I searched high and low for the photographic evidence, finally uncovering a never before seen photograph, never published, never printed. We've had 37 years to get ready for this, yet we totally failed to see it coming, IN SPITE of the evidence before us. How could we have been so blind? Why oh why didn't we take steps in 68 to prevent this travesty!

Continue reading "Why Didn't We See This Coming?"

Moi? Orange? But Of Course!

Your Blog Should Be Orange

Your writing has a star quality - it's charming, bold, and flamboyant. You write what's on your mind, without fear of embarrassment later. You are one of the most honest bloggers around, and people appreciate your daring persona.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

A tip of the GM Chapeaux to Smoke Eater

National & International Economics

There has been entirely too much carping over who has what, should wealth be tranferred between individuals/states, taxation schemes, etc. In the interests of bipartisan cooperation, I have, at great expense and time gathered the best and the brightest to help put together a primer on economics, both national and international. Read carefully, there will be a test next week.

DEMOCRAT BUSINESS MODEL
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN BUSINESS MODEL
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the better looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one
better accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tells you which one you
think is the better-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

A Democrat Fable - Caring More than Republicans

The Barber

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business" and "Becoming more successful".

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

(via Emigre with a Digital Cluebat)

NPR - Lessons on Raising Children

Once in a while as I drive my son to school, he tries to get under my skin by switching the car radio from sports to National Public Radio (NPR). Today, he did that again, and the first story from our local NPR station was about correcting a racial disparity in our region. It seems that one out of four white families have broadband internet access while only one out of seven black families have broadband. A higher percentage of blacks have to suffer with dial-up service. Wow! Now, this raises two questions in my mind.

First, are you like me on this? Is this really a problem? People on the left (if you consider NPR left, and you should) have to really stretch sometimes for causes. Is this the best that they can do? How about the homeless? The broadband disparity has to be worse with them, and that has to be Bush's fault!

Okay, I got that out of my system. Now, here is the second question. What would be an appropriate punishment for my son's putting my car radio on NPR? I don't want him to turn out wrong...and, I really don't want to get in the car each day to hear something else like more white families have hockey tickets.

Raising kids is tough, and a lesson on NPR is just what we need.

The OFFICIAL Notice

Hey, since the constitution only states that 18 people are in the official "Order of Succession" what happens if all 18 get it at the same time. Wondering that, some one came up with an idea to begin a regular order in which we all have a stake.

Get your position here

Senate Judiciary Chases More Records Than Lance Armstrong

This in from Scrappleface:

Bush to Senate Judiciary: Release Your Own Records
by Scott Ott
(2005-07-28)

The White House today called for members of the Senate Judiciary Committee to release all of their tax records and other personal documents so Americans can gain insight into the judicial philosophy and character of those who will help choose the next Supreme Court Justice.

"These Senators hold the future of our legal system in their hands," said presidential spokesman Scott McClellan. "They're going to place someone on the court who may serve for 20 or 30 years. So, we need to probe their ideology, and directly ask them whether they will vote for Judge John Roberts before confirmation hearings begin."

The Bush administration has a team of lawyers standing by ready to comb through millions of pages of senatorial documents in an attempt to brand some Judiciary Committee members as "extremists who are out of step with mainstream America."

Makes sense to me! However, I'd make it more like "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours." Then maybe, just maybe, we could get John Kerry to open his military records, too. I'm enjoying, but not surprised at, the hypocrisy of the Senate Democrats on the confirmation of Roberts for the Supreme Court.

"Signs" of Massachusetts Becoming Alabama

The people of Massachusetts and the people of Alabama now have something in common--both of their road systems use Alabama highway signs.

The highway signs in Easthampton, Massachusetts have an Alabama outline. Apparently, someone looked at the federal manual governing highway signs, which uses the Alabama signs as a sample. (First in the alphabet, I guess.) So they showed the guide to the contractor, who apparently isn't too good at geography and gave them exactly what they asked for. The signs stayed up for a week before anyone noticed. As the contractor said, 'the numbers were correct'.

[Via Mac Thomason of War Liberal (lefty) and Braves Journal (makes up for being lefty.) Also, "The Boston Globe" (reallll lefty) has more with pictures.]

Now, can we expect the people of Boston to complete the transformation and start using words like y'all and git-R-done? But, for Massachusetts to really become more like Alabama, it should start by dumping its senators (you know who) and electing some respectable people.

Hey, Alabama. Want a good deal on some slightly used road signs?

Liberals Sabotage Conservative Site

If you're a regular visitor to this site, you may have noticed that the site looks different. (No kidding!) The format is a mess. We're having technical problems and there are strong indications that liberals have sabotaged the site to keep you from learning and spreading truth. However, the only hint that we have that this might not be true is that we don't know any liberals smart enough to pull that off. In the meantime, thanks for bearing with us until the problem is corrected.

Update: Well, I owe Jim Hitchcock, one of my favorite liberals a beer and a Richard Simmons tape. I wasn't able to fix it, but Michael Slobokan who writes Slobokan's Site O'Schtuff was. It turns out that there was an extra < / div> code in there so I guess it wasn't liberal sabotage after all. By the way, if you have never visited Michael's site, please do so. Michael has a very, very visually pleasing site, full of great posts and is a solid conservative too (Take that Jim Hitchcock.) PLUS he is a Texan and that makes him tops in my book. I will note that I overlooked that extra bit of code at least half a dozen times, so, my hat is off to Michael and the GREAT work he does INCLUDING the design of this site.

Michael, Thanks so very much.... GM Roper

Be Careful What You Ask For: Part 743

George W. Bush
President
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, District of Columbia

Dear Mr. President:

I am taking time to write to you to protest the treatment of the detainees at Guantanamo Naval Base’s Camp X-Ray. The Muslim individuals you have detained there are being held under conditions reminiscent of what was done in Abu Ghraib, Auschwitz, and the Gulags and as an American, I do not appreciate what you are doing in my name.

I cannot believe that you do not understand that their cultural differences mandate that we treat them humanely, with kindness and compassion. They have been removed from their culture on, what at best, seem to be spurious circumstances and their having an attitudinal problem with their captors seems perfectly normal. I understand that you have a war to fight, but these people are prisoners of war and are entitled to all the considerations of Prisoners of War.

Please insure that these POW’s and any future POW’s have all of their rights protected. Their food must be culturally acceptable, prayer rugs must be provided, copies of their holy book must be provided and their cultural needs met. They should never see women in circumstance other than what they are used to in their culture.

America stands for acceptance and tolerance of differences and these people deserve our kindness and consideration and nothing less. I demand that you begin to treat them as guests in our country until this unpleasantness with other cultures be resolved.

Sincerely:

John Q. Liberal, Atty.
American Civil Liberties Union

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington D.C.

Dear Mr. Liberal:

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that thanks to the concerns of citizens such as yourself, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere "cultural differences."

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to do our job.

Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!

When Kitties Overdose!!!

Phun With The Phrench!

Linkers of the Revolution - Unite, Lift the Chains From Your Consciousness!!!!

Joe Carter at Evangelical Outpost thinks we need to raise our consciousness because Live 8 is doing something, even as Bob Geldolf said, "Something must be done, even if it doesn't work."

I don't have a real problem with the Live8 music fest, I kind of hope that they have an effect (though so far they really haven't had much of an effect. But that is due to those nasty governments of Zimbabwe, Sudan, etc. - not the fault of the feel gooders) But this appears in the Contra-Costa Times:

According to the New York Times, the concerts included more than 200 musical acts scheduled to play more than 69 hours of music. Organizers said 5.5 billion people would be able to watch or listen on the Internet and more than 182 television stations and 2,000 radio networks and stations. Coldplay’s Chris Martin called the concerts "the greatest thing that's ever been organized, probably, in the history of the world."

So, I hereby proclaim that I will raise my personal consciousness regarding moonbattyness with a view to finding a cure.



1. Raise your consciousness.
2. Show others that you have raised your consciousness by linking to this post and displaying the Official Logo of LotR on your blog (see above).
3. Tell the world exactly what it is you are raising your consciousness about (it can be anything you want).
4. Use your raised consciousness to exert political pressure on the G8 summiteers.
5. Feel good about having participated in an action that, while not having actually affected anything, has allowed you to be part of the greatest thing that ever been organized – probably -- in the history of the world.

As Geldolf said, "Something must be done, even if it doesn't work." Oh, that makes me feel better Geldolf...

The Law Of Unintended Consequences

There are consequences, and there are consequences. Le Building: Short, Sweet, Funny.

If The Declaration Had Been Written By The Left

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God and Gaia entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind fellows with our way of thinking requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation divorce.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal with some men more equal than others, that they are endowed by their Creator those of us with the intelligence to rule with certain unalienable alterable Rights, that among these are Life (unless you are a fetus), Liberty (save the freedom to think conservatively) and the pursuit of Happiness (providing you do it our way). –That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed intelligencia, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it take it to the United Nations for consideration by the Security Council and or the Human Rights Committee, and to institute new Government federally funded programs, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness according to what we say is allowable. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes if at all; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed and thus, we support for decades such tyranny as we find in opposition to conservative thought and or freedom loving peoples. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government duty to continue to live under rules promulgated by those that truly know better, and to provide new Guards for their future security more funding for such programs as we can devise for the betterment of mankind. �Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States and while we find this to be difficult, we understand that his upbringing and society at large are to blame for his Tyranny and that prior to our full and unalterable no-contest divorce, said George III requires therapy and understanding. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

The Next Supreme Court Justice.... GM's Corner Has The Answer!!!

There seems to be a lot of concerns from the Democrats regarding who President Bush will nominate to fill the vacancy created by the resignation/retirement of Justice Sandra Day O'Conner. They (the Dems.) want to be consulted so that the next Justice won't be a radical, will support abortion on demand (while at the same time saying [out of the other side of their mouths] they don't have a litmus test) and one that doesn't make them reach for the "extra-ordinary circumstances." Too, they want a moderate or preferably a liberal with a cherry on top.

Well, GM, your purveyor of truth, justice and the American way has the answer. The next Justice should be picked from the following list:

1. Hillary Clinton
2. Ted Kennedy
3. Harry Reid
4. Dick Durban
5. Barrak Obama
6. Joseph Biden
7. Barbara Boxer
8. Christopher Dodd
9. Russell Finegold
10. Dianne Feinstein
11. James Jeffords
12. John Kerry
13. Frank Lautenburg
14. Patrick Leahy
15. Barbara Mikulski
or
16. Patty Murry

"Wait a minute GM, are you OUT OF YOUR COTTON PICKIN' MIND? Those are ALL 100% LIBERAL Democrats" I can hear all of my conservative brethren now.

Heck no.... first we villify them in committee, bring up everything they have ever written, every thought, every pseudo-scandel, every grocery list from 1968, every social faux pas, every skeleton in every closet of everyone they are related to, then as soon as they get to the floor for a vote, 55 Republican Senators stand up and announce that this is an extra-ordinary circumstance and Phill-E-Buster.... Then let the President make a recess appointment of a real conservative over the Labor Day holliday. Simple huh? Effective in showing the obstructionists for exactly what they are? You Bet!

Beautiful, Blond, Sans Clothing & Pole Dancing!!!

Normally, I do not approve of risque material on this blog, however, this dear lady I know sent me a photograph that I just had to post. If you are offended by "a little" risque posting, please don't click on read more below, just go about your business as if nothing happened and as if you have absolutely no purient interests.

Thank You,
The Management

Continue reading "Beautiful, Blond, Sans Clothing & Pole Dancing!!!"

The After Effects of Nuclear War In The US Senate.

Reuters - Washington D.C. Despite the Democrats belief that they could obstruct the selection of judges by a sitting President through the use of a parliamentary device called filibuster, Democrats are reeling from the effects of the Nuclear burst located in the US Senate the other day.

John McCain (RINO, Az) had noted on "Meet The Depressed" during an interview that the selection of the next Supreme Court Judge would really be, "with all due respect" up to only 14 Senators. Despite the knowledge that no where in the US Constitution does one find that kind of language, McCain proceeded to try to influence the constitutional mandate of Advise and Consent in just that way with the retirement of Justice Sandra Day O'Conner.

Justice O'Conner, the first woman elevated to the high bench surprised everyone by submitting her resignation to President Bush, even before the expected retirement of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. The President of course, made a number of laudatory remarks following receipt of her resignation from the lifetime appointment.

Conservative commentators then hunkered down expecting a week or two or twelve's worth of hoopla generated by the MSSM (Main Stream Stupid Media). One person in a man on the street interview noted "Well, at least it got Aruba off the air."

As expected, the first out of the box with criticism was Teddy Kennedy (Whale - Mass) who apparantly felt he had to comment before heading out to Happy Hour on this July Fourth Weekend. Kennedy noted on Thursday

The 14 Senators who reached the landmark bipartisan compromise in the nuclear option debate made a pledge to one another and a plea to the President that the advice function must not be given short shrift, and that serious consultation with the Senate in the nomination process is the key to a successful confirmation process. Separate and independent assessments of nominations by each Senator are precisely what the framers wanted us to do. They wanted Senators to be a check on the Executive's proposed judicial selections, as a safety net for the Nation if the President overreaches by making excessively partisan or ideological nominations.

GM Roper, of GM's Corner, a famous and by liberal lights an infamous Blogger retorted

No Senator Kennedy, the Constitution calls for advise and consent. In order for that to happen, the Senate must actually vote and say to the President, "Good choice!" Or perhaps "No Thanks, next?" The idea that the founding fathers wanted any group of senators to block a vote on "excessively partisan or ideological nominations" is your own construct and you will NOT find that language in the constitution. But then, Senator, I wouldn't expect you to understand that because of your excessive partisanship and your ideological blindness.

As the Senate prepared for war, the left demanded that the President submit a list of nominees whom they could then discern who would be acceptable. Of course, they left out that whom the left thought acceptable may not be acceptable to the rest of the senate, or indeed the rest of the country.

When Senator Reid (Reactionary - Nv) announced a filibuster over the President's nomination, Senator Frist (Doc - Tenn) reached under his desk and pushed the Nuclear Button. The Vice President then stated that there was an objection to filibuster and the vote to overturn that Senate Rule was 51-49 along pretty much party lines with a few RINO's voting aginst and a few conservative Democrats voting for.

Thus ends a long an hoary tradition in the Senate. Democrats are sitting in the aisles weeping in frustration muttering "Wait till its our turn." However, as Karl Rove noted, "With this behavior, the American People are not likely to give the Democrats another turn for some time."

C. My Sarcasm contributed to this report as did John Q. Satire

Consequences For The Rich And Famous!!

Let this be true, PLEASE let this be true. I personally will buy one or more shares in this hotel. I call on ALL freedom loving peoples in America to lend a hand.

Carnival of the Clueless

Rick Moran at Rightwing Nuthouse has a delicious set of links and explinations to the Carnival Of The Clueless #3. Read them all. A good PC: $900.00; Internet High Speed Access: $29.99/mo.; Watching the clueless self destruct: Priceless!

Riots in Atlanta

(AP-Atlanta) Police were called to an undisclosed location in Georgia yesterday following complaints of loud noises coming from several conservative neighborhoods. Shouts of "Yea Woody!" and "Welcome Back Woody" were heard over large areas of town. When police attempted to quiet the rowdy celebrants, chanting erupted; "When you gonna post Woody?" and "Woody's back, lefties crack."

Elsewhere, on the internet and especially at GM's Corner where the proprietor, one GM Roper, received e-mails by the twos and threes stating "It's about %$&*@*& time we got some humor back into this blog." That was from a regular reader named "reg."

Other readers, notably one named "steve" noted "I'm tired of the corporate mindset believing that the left wing of the Democratic party owns the media. Woody is proof positive that the media is conservative."

One regular commenter, "JimHitch" noted that "While I appreciate GM's point of view as a conservative, and of course GM is always wrong because I'm a liberal and I say so. GM doesn't come close to the humor and outright fun of Woody's posting."

GM could not be reached for further comment. More as the story develops.

Finding Popeye's Mom. At Last, The Reunion!

Most of us, at least those with any sense of humor or who had a childhood beginning before 1965 or so remember the phrase "That's all's I can stands 'cause I can't stands no more!" Ahh, the immortal words of Popeye. Most of us don't know how Popeye came to be. Originally, he was an added character in ...

"The Thimble Theatre was the original E. C. Segar's comic strip began in 1919. The original characters were Olive Oyl, Castor Oyl, Ham Gravy, (Olive's Original boyfriend), Hotfoot, King Bozo, Whiffle Hen and more. Popeye came on the scene in this 10 year old newspaper comic strip to sail Olive's ship. After that initial episode, shown on the right, Popeye was dropped out of the strip. Segar never intended for Popeye to remain in the strip. But Popeye's fans demand an immediate return. Within two years of his introduction, Popeye became a national hit, found in at least one paper of every American city of any size. Wimpy was added to the cast in 1932, and Swee'pea was found in 1936.

Most Popeye fans also know that Popeye's pappy was Poopdeck Pappy. But, ne'er a word about his mom. Here is a drawing of the original Popeye as it appeared in 1929: by the late 60's early 70's, Popeye was a little more sophisticated as you will note here: But again, though we know how he looks, and how his "pappy" looks, no word was heard about his mom. We searched high and low, we looked in the strips of Dick Tracey, Brenda Starr, Lil Lulu, Nancy & Pogo and many other strips including Dilbert. All to no avail. Wanted posters were spread over the internet and on milk cartons. His mom had to be found. Then, one day, while visiting a friend in a nursing home, I walked by a little old lady and voila. She has been found.

Continue reading "Finding Popeye's Mom. At Last, The Reunion!"

Save the Cats -- Then The Children - A New Type Of Catblogging

To make up for "Morris the Flying Wonder Cat!," I want to help these poor lost kittens. If you find them adorable, won't you please offer them homes?

Continue reading "Save the Cats -- Then The Children - A New Type Of Catblogging"

Morris the Flying Wonder Cat!

To help another site host who is traveling, I prepared an entry related to that site's theme--cats. My submission had a short video clip that showed how cats amuse us when we swing or dangle something near them and they try to jump and grab it--something like you might see on Animal Planet. Real cute. Well, G.M. disagreed for some reason.

The clip simply shows an amazing trick, and I was told that no animal was injured during the shooting of this video. So, not wanting the effort to go to waste, I am providing that clip for our readers who share "my same love for cats." Enjoy. (WMV file) Morris--the Amazing Flying Cat!

Moderate Replaces Howard Dean to Head Democrats

This just in...a moderate has replaced Howard Dean as the chairman of the Democratic National Committee. This should offer a new and unusual challenge for the Republicans, who are courting Evander Holyfield. Here's the scoop:
MIKE TYSON REPLACES DEAN AS DNC CHIEF

Michael Jackson - White singer beats rap--and hip hop

California juries are known for innocent verdicts of prominent and, likely, guilty people. (Well, that is if you really think O.J. and Robert Blake were guilty.) Now, we have Michael Jackson who is at least guilty of being very weird. Last night David Letterman took the verdicts to the next logical step when he said, "This just in…Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Santa Maria, California." Why not? Well, here's the top ten list:

Top Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict
10. "We the jury find the defendant not guilty--oh God, did I say the wrong one?"
9. "Of course he's nervous--look how pale he is"
8. "Will Mr. Blake and Mr. Simpson please keep the laughter down?"
7. "No, I think he'll do fine in prison"
6. "I'm a celebrity in an L.A. courtroom--I like my chances"
5. "Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?"
4. "We the jury find the defendant creepy"
3. "Michael, good news--I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico"
2. "Wait, have Tito, Latoya and Jermaine always been on the jury?"
1. "Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment."

Well, I personally think that Jackson had committed some improper acts with boys, but the State of California failed to adequately prove its cases. What were the odds? Finally, now will people quit letting their kids sleep overnight with Jackson?

With Michael Jackson back at the Neverland Ranch, he has a new strategy for dealing with boys who want to leave. Here's the site where you can learn more and help with his "drag net." "Neverland Ranch"

Have fun--and, sharpen your aim.

The Bible and Science - and the price of pizza

The left screams when you mix religion and government. Now, they have a new concern. A few years ago, Alabama passed a law favoring the Bible over science, and that is having consequences in our schools and space program. However, I have one reason to support Alabama and the Bible. With that law, it is a lot easier to compute the area of a pizza and determine if two twelve inch ones are a better deal than one sixteen incher.

Continue reading about this and let us know what you think about religion in schools and government.

Continue reading "The Bible and Science - and the price of pizza"

Less Then 1000 To Go!

Woody and I have noted in various e-mails to each other that we are rapidly closing in on our 10,000th visitor. That seems to be a landmark for blogdom. We have had, as of this posting 9,037 visits to the site and just shy of 25 thousand page views. Not bad for an old fart and a young whipper-snapper (GM is NOT the young whipper-snapper....ed.)

So, we came up with an idea for a contest. The winner will be the one to be randomly drawn for a lucky visitor number between 9,975 and 10,025. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can award the winner with a grand prize. Our discussion of prizes went like this:

GM: What about a new hummer2
Woody: What if they don't like SUV's, how about a new diamond ring?
GM: We won't know their ring size and they may not like diamonds. How about a trip to the Virgin Islands?
Woody: Nah, too many people get seasick. I've got it, how about an all expense paid trip to the 2008 Democratic Convention to watch Hillary get crowned?
GM: Our readers? They are usually conservatives and the liberal ones don't really like Hillary. How about a complete makeover?
Woody: No way, you saw what happened to that makeover volunteer at American Warmongers. I've got it.... buzzbuzzwhisperwhisper....
GM: GREAT IDEA WOODY. Just a GREAT IDEA!!!!

And so, our winner will receive:

Continue reading "Less Then 1000 To Go!"

Attention Hungry - The Google Report

I sometimes check my sitemeter to see what words are being searched to arrive at GM's Corner & Woody Too! The results are often hilarious, I've found "sore armpits," "discovery channel greatest american george bush conspiracy," several mentions of "John Kerry's Grades (hat tip to woody)," "speeches about honesty," even "Ambercrombie and Fitch Catalogue Pictures."

Imagine my surprise, though a pleasant one, when "Attention Hungry" popped up refering to this post. I clicked on the google link and lo and behold:

over 3million searches for Attention Hungry and GM's Corner & Woody Too! are NUMBER ONE, NUMERO UNO!

Send your accolades, huzzah's and congratulations (or even 10 dollar bills) for this major achievement to: Gmroper@.... nah, I won't go there... I can just imagine the junk mail for extenders (what ever that is) and offers of riches from Nigeria coming in. Oh, and for you jaded detractors.... no, it wasn't google bombed. If I were going to do that, I would have picked a better entry. ;-)

Commenters React to Posting Rules - Bush Blamed---Part II

Sheesh, I try and try and try to make it easier on my good friends and all I get is grief. Actually, the rules change was to try to get spam blocked, both comment spam and trackback spam, then when I almost immediately got a trackback spam from someone named www.bardak.com.ru I figured I had been either screwed, or screwed up. See Jim, I had that thought too. But I digress. This is the entry for the trackback from my control page:

A new TrackBack ping has been sent to your weblog, on the entry 83 (Truth In Politics &, Of Course, In Commenting).

IP Address: 81.176.65.76
URL:
Title: Truth In Politics &, Of Course, In Commenting
Weblog: Truth In Politics &, Of Course, In Commenting

Now, the weblog listed is the exact same name as the post title here which oddly enough, is a post about trolls and spam on Dr. Sanity a blog written by a very nice lady psychiatrist.

Again I digress. When you try to find out who the heck is bardak and type http://bardak.com.ru you get this:

Forbidden
You don't have permission to access / on this server.

So I asked for some help from my hosting company and they suggested I allow unregistered comments as well as registered comments. But when I clicked on the "allow unregistered" thingy in the blog configuration spot, the registration thingy disappeared. So, to heck with it. When I get spam I'll just delete it.

Since Woody's post was in fact authorized by allowing him to post at any time and he fibbed about trying to contact me, I'm going to eliminate his raise. I had planned to raise his pay by about 1000% but now.........

You guys crack me up, and I love all of ya....

P.S., I worked really hard on Counterintuitive Rant. At least you guys could go and read it and comment on it......

John F(rench) Kerry

Well, no wonder he got a C in French his Freshman Year at Yale....

With a tip of the GM Chapeaux to Duncan Avatar at The Wide Awakes

The Democrats Rosetta Stone

GM: "Hey Woody?"
Woody: "Yeah GM?"
GM: "Our Democratic friend Jim sent us what he called the "Top 50 Republican Values."
Woody: "That was nice of him."
GM: "Yeah, but they kinda make us look bad."
Woody: "Let me see...oh, I see what you mean."
GM: "Woody, you know how the Democrats always speak in
"doublespeak"
Woody: "Yeah, and?"
GM: "Well, wouldn't it be nice of us to translate each of these so called values into what the Democrats really mean?"
Woody: "You mean kind of like a Rosetta Stone."
GM: "Yeah, whatcha think?"
Woody: "Great idea GM. We can put down each "value" and then translate it into what the Democrats really mean."
GM: "Let's git-er-done."

And so dearly beloved, GM and Woody labored to provide you with a solid translation of what the Democrats really mean in the firm and certain knowledge that they were providing an immeasureable service for many future generations.

The list of Republican values, beliefs, moral guideposts that we know they will always stand by, come hell or high water. Here's a start:

(1) the end justifies the means. Translation: We don't know how to get to a useful end, so we'll accuse the Repubs of overreaching.
(2) War, because it is profitable, is good for the economy. Translation: If we accuse the Repubs of being war mongers, no one will notice that most of our major wars have been started during Democrat presidencies.
(3) To endeavor endlessly to impose the rightness of our ways on others, consoled by that fact that those who continue to disagree, don't matter anyway. Translation: We can accuse the Repubs of doing what we have always done... confuse the issue, state falsehoods and circumlocute for all we are worth.
(4) Secrecy in the pursuit of domination is no vice. Translation: If we do it, it's in the national interest, if the Repubs do it, they have some nefarious scheme up their sleeve.
(5) The only way to save Iraq is to destroy it. Translation: Heh, we used this one in Vietnam too, and dumb ole Nixon kept it going for us.
(6) Obfuscation is the better part of information. Translation: That way, we can call a decrease in the increase of social spending a spending cut and the stupid red-staters will never catch on.
(7) Never take the blame for which you can lay on others. Translation: We've been doing that for years, remember Clinton's famous slut/stalker defense regarding Lewinsky?
(8) Treat citizens like mushrooms, keep them in the dark and cover them with shit. Translation: Heh! Get high powered speakers like Byrd or Biden or even Kerry up there to confuse issues and those red-state rubes will never catch on.
(9) Republican values are measured by the "value" of one's portfolio. Translation: We don't want them to know that the richest members of the House and Senate are usually Democrats, especially when you get to marry a fortune like John did.
(10) The only bad lie is one that hasn't been covered up adequately. Translation: Why, this whole 50 thingys that we are trying to pin on the Repubs is a big fat lie, but if we tell it loud enough, often enough....
(11) When Battling Evil, take care to build consensus, even if you have to buy it. Translation: We never battle evil,so we don't have to worry about this one.
(12) Never wait passively for tommorrow, when there is profit to be made today. Translation: Filibuster right down to the appointment of city dogcatchers.
(13) Appeal to the base motives in society to guarantee the ignoble will support us. Translation: Call Gitmo a gulag, keep blacks on the Democrat Plantation by seeking their support every four years and telling them how much we have done for them.
(14) When Battling Evil, take care to build consensus, even if you have to buy it. Translation: Hey, this is the same as number 11 but don't mention it, those yo-yo's in the red states are too dumb to notice.
(15) Pay lip service to Mother Earth before raping and pillaging her. Translation: Anytime we can blame a Repub for a natural disaster, lack of foresight on our part or not enough money spent the way we want it spent this will make them look like anti-environmentalists.
(16) When setting policy based on false claims, always have compelling backup excuses. Translation: Didja ever notice how good this one is working on Social Security?
(17) Never lose sight of the fact that God and the Flag are essential props in proper patriotic salesmanship. Translation: By accusing the Repubs of being Chauvinistic and overly patriotic, we can claim to be hurt when they question our judgment or motivation. Works every time.
(18) If anyone mentions (a) Jean Lafitte or (b) that the Statue of Liberty was made in France, shout as loudly and as longly as necessary. Translation: Those damn frogs have never given any help to us, but this makes us look like citizens of the world, willing to keep our allies intact.
(19) Gays can be cured. If we pray for them, they will join us in holy matrimony. Translation: If we accuse the Repubs of bigotry often enough, no one will notice that the Log Cabin Republicans and a lot of Gay Bloggers are solidly in their corner.
(20 Repeat a lie three times and it's transformed into truth. Translation: Actually, this one is ours, but if we accuse the Repubs of it it will remind the red-state numbskulls of Joseph Goebbels.
(21) If only the rich had all the money there would be no poor people. Translation: We know that there will always be poor people, most of our policies are guaranteed to make it that way. After all, we know whats best for all those rubes. We can tax them into the poor house and spend all the money on projects that make us feel good. Won't do any good for anyone, but we'll feel great.
(22) Do away with affirmative action because it "vulcanizes" society. Translation: This one is great, we invent affirmative action in order to make blacks think we are doing something for them and we get a chance to take a poke at Bush too... just like this. (Ed. Note: Bush meant Balkanize -- the idiot!)
(23) Never underestimate the persuasive power of a good sex scandal. Translation: Heh! Why do you think all us Democrats are so randy?
(24) Never let stupidity and ignorance stand in the way of good irrationality. Translation: Hey, this one applies to us, not Repubs, what's it doing here?
(25) Making sure that there's an ongoing war during an election campaign is a surefire way to get re-elected. Translation: We used that to good stead for Presidents Wilson, Roosevelt, Truman, Johnson and now the repubs try it with Bush...what, do they think we don't recognize our own tactic?

The remaining 25 falsehoods Republican values will have to be translated in another entry, more research material from Howard Dean and the DNC must be obtained before good translations can be made.

This has been a public service provided to all Americans by GM and Woody. You're welcome!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO TITLE THIS ENTRY!

Pork Tornado, The Guy You Hate To Love has a compendium of the 10 worst album covers of all time on his website. These covers, complete with commentary can be found by clicking on this album cover. Please have your air-sickness bag ready.

A Tip of the GM Chapeaux to Dr. Sanity's Carnival of the Insanities.

Enjoy coffee with the boss. It's on us!

GM's Corner admires and spotlights honesty. So, enjoy a cup of coffee on us in a visit with an honest boss.

An Honest Boss

A New Compendium of Work Daffynitions

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3 ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going
on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch
potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones
workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and
Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message 404 Not Found, meaning that the requested document could not
be located. (For those in Toronto, its also Hwy 404... destination can
not be located.)

16. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that youve just made a BIG mistake.

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

Update: Jim Hitchcock suggests an additional one. So, in the interests of bi-partisan humor:

19. DOMINOES THEORY: When all your attempts at reasoning fall flat, so you give up and order a pizza.

Another Update: The old Daddy-Guy forgot to give a tip of the GM Chapeaux to the source of the humor; his beloved daughter.... So, Princess Jenni, A tip of the Daddy-Guy's Chapeaux to you!

Welcome to a New Author

Woody and I have decided to clone the best parts of ourselves and combine talents in some posts. These will be authored by GM&Woody. Obviously a collaberative effort. Woodword & Bernstein look out... there's a new kid on the block!

Chris Muir strikes STRIKES AGAIN

As Professor Reynolds would say: "Heh!"

"Deep Throat" Identified - G.M. Roper Cleared

In a surprise announcement, it was revealed that the Woodward & Bernstein source for Watergate and Nixon was not G.M. Roper. This ends years of speculation and denial from a nondescript mental health counselor and university instructor--formerly accused of being the behind the scenes political operative that brought down the Nixon White House.

After hearing the news, Roper said,

This is a weight off of my shoulders. Sure I had issues with Nixon, like the time he put in the wage freeze right before my 90-day performance review, but I remained loyal. My main beef was with Nixon's pal Bebe Rebozo, who tried to protect his friend by fingering me for breaking into the office of the psychiatrist treating Nixon enemy Daniel Ellsberg, when I was really only working on my Master's thesis covering the psychological trauma from certain military service. Then Nixon's buddy and campaign contributor Robert Vesco hid over $200 million in a bank in the Caribbean, and I was supposed to get some of that to help this guy in Nigeria get his dead uncle's millions out of that country. I understand that he is now contacting others for that purpose--cutting me out of the deal. My recent trip to the islands to find Vesco's loot still came up empty, and Castro won't let me into Cuba to see him. Other than those things, there was no reason for me to create a constitutional crisis. The country was running fine.

GM continued in an "off-the-record" remark,

People only think this Felt guy is the real Deep Throat. I mean, isn't that a little hard to swallow?

In his ever helpful way, Roper referred the reporters to G. Gordon Liddy, whom he claimed to have never met despite photographs of them together in a Texas bar, where they were detained for groping the buttocks of the waitresses. To deflect attention from himself, Roper tried to drag in a totally innocent person by saying, "If you ask me, you need to follow the trail to Woody. He's the one who met Nixon."

An anonymous source revealed that conspiracy theorists (to maintain their anonymity we'll call them steve and reg) think this announcement may be planned to get investigative reporters off the trail of Roper. Because there is no evidence of Roper being the real Deep Throat, they took a page from former Speaker Tom Foley who, in investigating a non-existent October surprise by Ronald Reagan and George Bush, issued a release stating that Congress needed to investigate precisely because there wasn't any evidence to substantiate the allegation. However, most wackos are going to move on.

The family of Felt has come out calling him a hero and letting him bask in the media glory. A family spokesman said,

Our relative took brave actions. He broke the law by releasing information from confidential FBI files and by failing to report possible crimes to a prosecutor. Because of him, Gerald Ford became President and it boosted the career of Chevy Chase, who then had a new falling-down act. Also, it set the stage for Jimmy Carter to become President--teaching Americans toughness and patience with double digit inflation, interest rates, and unemployment--not to mention teaching them humility by allowing our embassy personnel to be held captive in Iran for 444 days, which also launched ABC's Nightline with Ted Koppel.

If there's a lesson here, it's this--if you break the law, wait until you're in your nineties to confess so that if they sentence you to life in prison then you get a big laugh.

With that, the proud, but laughing, family members elbowed each other in the ribs and retired into the house to share the watermelon and beer sent courtesy of the Washington Post.
________________

As the story actually unfolded, a report by Vanity Fair revealed that the secret source for the Washington Post was W. Mark Felt, former assistant director of the FBI during the Nixon administration. Not said, but certainly can be assumed, is that Felt, who "felt" (ha ha) that he deserved to be Director of the FBI after Hoover, took exception to Nixon passing over him and selecting an outsider for that position--so, why not get revenge by undermining the leader of your country?

Word from the world of mass media has people praising Felt and calling on others to follow his example. In today's Huffington Post, Arianna (associated with illegal immigration hiring practices) writes:

Like the rest of the journalistic world, the Huffington Post is buzzing over the revelation of Deep Throat’s identity -- including posts from Nora Ephron, Paul Krassner, Harry Shearer, Bill Diamond and Rep. John Conyers, who hopes that Mark Felt’s example will inspire current Washington insiders to similar acts of courage and patriotism.

Now, I don't know about you, but I think it's a little strange that a currently serving member of the House of Representatives, Rep. John Conyers, is calling for other Americans to break the law. Of course, it's for a good cause--his. In his post, he wrote:

I am thrilled that Mark Felt came forward today to teach this generation a thing or two about responsibility and accountability.

Really?

So, the next time you see or suspect a crime being committed, don't call the police or report it. Take matters into your own hands. Cause pain to the perpetrator or, at least, pay him back on the sly when you can. The media will love you for it.

Note: Some of the above is a parody. We expect you to be able to tell what part is and what part is not. Any use of names and descriptions of their actions is purely in fun and is not meant to represent anything that actually happened. Isn't it a shame that I have to write this so that people don't get upset or offended?

Fisking Moonbats - Oh What A Joy It Is!!!

Van Helsing who writes the blog Moonbattery posted a well deserved diatribe against the New York Times for this article.

Indeed, as Van Helsing notes, surely the NYTimes could come up with a few "Old Soldiers Proud of Their Scars, but Unsure [Damn Sure] They'd Join Today in a New York Minute!" In fact, this former soldier who spent his entire Army "career" at Fort Polk and Fort Benning is one who would damn sure join up again if the Army would take me.

"Easy for you to say Roper" you may be thinking. Yeppers, it is, but there are many folk my age who are still in the service and are proudly, without doubt, without any degree of hesitation still serving. There are many many more (tens of thousands of them) who are back in civilian life after fighting in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Somalia, Lebanon, Kosovo, Gulf War I, etc., who feel just like I do.

However the Times couldn't be bothered to find any of those folk, that wouldn't be "news." Thus, the NYTimes deliberately, with malice aforethought comes up with their article on the cusp of Memorial Day, an article solely focused on denegrating those who do join up for the fight in Iraq and Afghanistan or anywhere else in the global war on terrorists. {author's note: The term War on Terror is a misnomer, Terror is a technique; this is rightfully called a War on Terrorists, those who use terror. They can be, will be and are being hunted down and killed or captured.)

Which brings me to the purpose of this post. In the comments section of Van Helsing's article one Mike Miller posted this comment (presented in full without change):

"What is wrong with presenting the case of a former Vet who is opposed to the Iraq war? I think it is shameful that opposing viewpoints are chastised and presented in such a partisan war mongering fashion. The War is a failure of epic proportion. Everything about it is unAmerican. The notion that it was undertaken to promote democracy is completly absurd. Oh, excuse me that's right, it was about curtailing the threat posed by WMDs which were going to destroy life in the United States as we know it with a thousand mushroom clouds. 1650 US servicemen and women dead for essentially nothing. Bush, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and all the neocons had their sights set on Iraq long before 911. All one need do is take the time to read PNAC and any second grade idiot can connect the dots. The lies used to bring us into this shameful war are nothing short of treasonous. The cowardice with which this administration shifts the blame to the intelligence community for the lack of WMDs being present is sickening. And the mainstream media which is controlled by the same corporations which receive tax cuts and special treatment from the administration is complicit in the lack of truthful investigative reporting of the crimes perpetrated Bush and the neocons. The stories are so plentiful for those who care to look where the truth leads them. The aluminum tubes, the Plame case, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo,all of which constitiute an endless litany of shameful lies and deceit perpatrated upon America and the World. The money spent by the US in this illegal and immoral war could have been used for the development of alternative energy and end or dimminish our need for non domestic sources of energy. The moral bankruptcy which is demonstrated by those who claim that we are somehow justified in going into Iraq since we need oil is typical of those who support Bush and his cronies. Galloway should be applauded for his address to Congress in which he told it like it is. It is high time that someone stands up and states what is obvious to those who still hold truth, honor, and democracy in high esteem, that being that the emporer truly has no clothes."

This comment deserves a good fisking and I, though an insignificant blogger, and a member of the knuckle-dragging neandertholic wingnut faction of the slightly right-of-center political faction (Mike, I hope you recognize satrical hyperbole when you see it) will attempt to do so. No doubt my commenters will let me know if I have been successful. So, without further ado let us begin with Mike's opening statements:

What is wrong with presenting the case of a former Vet who is opposed to the Iraq war? I think it is shameful that opposing viewpoints are chastised and presented in such a partisan war mongering fashion.

Mike, Mike, Mike; there is NOTHING wrong with presenting opposing viewpoints, but we may question the reasoning behind, the planning for the opposition at a particular time and the motivation for presenting that viewpoint. That is what Van Helsing did. As to being "shameful" for presenting "opposing viewpoints" in a fashion reminiscent of "a partisan war mongering fashion" (what ever that means) isn't that exactly the stance you are taking in your screed? Isn't your comment a "partisan" attack (using some very strong language I might add) on Van Helsing's point of view?

The War is a failure of epic proportion.

No, it is not! A "failure of epic proportion" is the defense of Troy, the Russian attempt to war against Japan in 1905 at the Battle of Tsushima, the attack at Gallipoli those were failures. The current WOTerrorists is a difficult war, but Iraq has a government, popularly elected, and though the "insurgents" (a misnomer if ever there was one) have the capacity to inflict casualties on women, children and the social system, they do not have the capacity to win and form a coherent government in Iraq.

The notion that it was undertaken to promote democracy is completly absurd. Oh, excuse me that's right, it was about curtailing the threat posed by WMDs which were going to destroy life in the United States as we know it with a thousand mushroom clouds.

Oh please! No one ever said we were faced with any threat of "a thousand mushroom clouds" though if you want to think so, that is your right; just as it is your right to be oh-so-very-wrong. Bush and company indeed did mention the spread of democracy as one of the reasons for invading Iraq, but the WMD issue seemed to be more to the necessity of the invasion. Then too, I seem to recall that many on your side of the political "discussion" (discussion? talk about misnomers!..ed) expected tens of thousands of body bags being filled with allied corpses brought about by Saddam's expected use of those WMDs or don't you remember that? Too, the UN Resolutions mandated that Saddam come clean about his WMD programs, something he refused to do. If he claimed to have them, threatened to use them if invaded and history showed that he had the proclivity to use them, what else would a rational person think? Of course, the key term here is rational.

1650 US servicemen and women dead for essentially nothing. Bush, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and all the neocons had their sights set on Iraq long before 911. All one need do is take the time to read PNAC and any second grade idiot can connect the dots.

First, it is 9-11 or 9/11. 911 is an emergency call number. Secondly, you are reporting total deaths, some 350 of which were from natural causes, accidents and so forth, not combat caused. 1300+ deaths from combat is a sad thing, but it is the least number of combat deaths in any war in history. Lastly, since you claim to be able to "connect the dots" may we assume that you are a "second grade idiot?"

The lies used to bring us into this shameful war are nothing short of treasonous. The cowardice with which this administration shifts the blame to the intelligence community for the lack of WMDs being present is sickening.

Back with the lies are we? Well, as anyone still rational in their thinking can note, there is a big difference between mistaken interpretation of evidence, mistaken evidence and a lie. I would expect someone of your ability to discern the difference and not be taken in by the meme of the moment. However, I could be wrong. Did the intelligence community get it wrong and present wrong evidence? That would seem to be the case wouldn't it. So stating that fact maybe uncomfortable but is not a sickening blamefest if you will. Treason? OMG, please, present your evidence to congress or the AG's office for prosecution and/or impeachment.

And the mainstream media which is controlled by the same corporations which receive tax cuts and special treatment from the administration is complicit in the lack of truthful investigative reporting of the crimes perpetrated Bush and the neocons.

Gee, where do I begin on this one? Mike, wasn't the purpose of your comment to support the MSM for the NYTimes article? Did I misread your intent? Sheesh, at least you could try to keep your argument coherent. The stories are so plentiful for those who care to look where the truth leads them.

The aluminum tubes, the Plame case, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo,all of which constitiute an endless litany of shameful lies and deceit perpatrated upon America and the World.

Mike, the aluminum tubes were part of the intelligence community's "evidence." Perhaps it was wrong, but not out of total incompetence, just out of correct interpretation. Palme case? Gee, even the MSM has punctured that one. Abu Ghraib? Reported, investigation started by the military BEFORE it was public knowledge and subsequently charges were filed against the perpetrators; how is that a shameful lie? Guantanamo? Oh, yeah, the "Gulag of our times." Hah! If it were, the author of that would be in one. She isn't, it isn't! Nuff Said on that score!!!

The moral bankruptcy which is demonstrated by those who claim that we are somehow justified in going into Iraq since we need oil is typical of those who support Bush and his cronies. Galloway should be applauded for his address to Congress in which he told it like it is.

Uh, Mike, it was YOUR SIDE who claimed it was for oil. Our side denied it pretty much across the board and anyone with a scintilla of economic understanding would know that that would be one stupid goal. It was NEVER about oil Mike. Never!

It is high time that someone stands up and states what is obvious to those who still hold truth, honor, and democracy in high esteem, that being that the emporer truly has no clothes.

All that evidence you [erroneously] noted and that is all you can close with? Well, you happen to be correct for once, except that it is the left and you who are taking the role of "Emperor."

Rules For COMMENTING

I did something this morning that I have not done in the past, I deleted a comment by someone who I have warned once in the past quite a number of months ago. I don't really like doing that, because I set out to have this blog a free exchange of ideas, left, right or middle/lib/whatever. But something I grow rapidly weary of is the tendency for some to castigate others not of their own political persuasion in terms not usually heard except in drunken bar room brawls.

That kind of language I can do without, and I won't subject my readers to it either. So, I took some rules, revised them (and explained where I got them from and put them here in what I call THE RULES FOR COMMENTING

I welcome any and all comments, but use language and decorum that you would use in a church, synogogue, mosque or your grandmothers home. Argue all you want, but use "couth" language, respect your opponent, he probably thinks you are as stupid as you think he is.

Jane Fonda Films That I Recommend

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Bottle of Wine, Fruit of the Vine - When You Gonna...

Paul Deignan that very brilliant worthy who writes Info Theory and the subject of an earlier "Newly Discovered Blogs" has sent me an e-mail:

GM, I got two spots open for this: Wine For Winners Challenge

Interested?

Paul

Imagine that, a fellow blogger enticing an upstanding member of the community and blogosphere such as myself into gambling and imbibing? Hard to imagine isn't it. Paul believes, as I do not, that the Compromise of the Fourteen is a good deal. He seems to think that it will "prevent" future judicial filibusters (at least during the remainder of G.W.Bush's term.)

Paul has set aside a few rules to stack the bet NOT in his favor such that:

1. So let me offer this, should the Dems filibuster more than one judicial nominee without incurring the nuclear option in this Congress from now forward, I will send a bottle of Merlot or some other type of your choice not to exceed $20 (thanks SCOTUS) to the first five right-leaning site owners who respond to the challenge and who are on record against the deal provided they will respond in kind should I be right.
Wine not whine. Takers? Respond here

2. I'll extend the deal to be for the entire current presidential term for those that are hesitant. (I can wait until 2009 for a $20 bottle of wine).

3. Well, despite my best efforts to prod our excitable friends into taking me up on this offer, it looks like they don't quite have the moxy. So caveat emptor of the latest fad political ideas to all those who would follow the first shrill alarm that would stampede the herd--the head is not fully committed to the trials of the hoof.

4. Alright--I'm dropping the tripwire down to one or more (rather than more than one) unanswered filibusters of judicial nominees in this Congress. I'm not sure that this is theoretically sound, but I would like to have fun with this proposition.

5. Well, I may be irrationally overconfident, but I'll allow that the time period is for the extent of Bush's term or the end of this Congress, whichever occurs later.

6. Now allowing that "Bush's term" is interpreted as this current presidential term, so that the challenge will possibly be determined on the date of the next presidential inauguration for all participants."

Paul has been taken up on his bet by no less worthies than Xrlq (newly added to my blogroll) and the author of Damnum Absque Injuria; The highly talented, pontificating Patterico who writes at Patterico's Pontifications, also on my blogroll and by Flap that industrious dentist [Q: How can you tell a dentist is sad? A: When they look "down in the mouth."] who writes at Fullosseous Flap's Dental Blog [Don't let the name fool you, FFDB is a delightful read - and also on my blogroll]. And now: GM, the wise, the magnificent, the courageous, the charming and oh so good looking accepts the challenge as well.

Hey, why not, I'm risking 20 bucks; if Paul loses, it's gonna cost him a hundred smackers (5 x $20.00 = $100.00 for you graduates of the California School System). $20.00 vs $100.00; whats not to like. Political beliefs like behavior ought to have consequences.

Paul, you understand that the last was tongue in cheek I hope. ;-)

At any rate, given that the Dems have already found the UN Ambassador to be an egregious exception to their "deal" (although they are disguising it as "we need more papers from the whitehouse"). I suspect that Paul will lose - Dems are not noted for keeping their "deals." Come to think of it, most politicians of any stripe aren't noted for keeping their deals.

At any rate, and because I'm getting sleepy again: Paul, I accept!

Chris Muir Strikes Again

Amen Chris, Amen!

GM & His Sidekick Woody

I've received tens of thousands (well, ok, only thirty two) requests for photographs of both Woody and myself so that our hundreds of thousands visitors (well, ok, only 6,919 as of today) could see what we looked like as we cogitate our many posts on humor, politics, and things that go bump in the night. Click on "Continue reading" immediately below to see us together contemplating the Universe and the Problems of mankind.

Continue reading "GM & His Sidekick Woody"

No Comment Necessary

I'm Against It

Ward Churchill Picks Indians Over Braves

Of course, you remember Ward Churchill, the University of Colorado professor and all-around nice guy, who came under criticism for his remarks on 9-11 victims, plagiarism, copying of art work, and claim to be an American Indian. Recently, his membership to the Cherokee Indians has been revoked. Churchill has issued a rebuttal to his critics and new proof to clarify his claim of actually being an Indian.

I will admit there is some doubt as to the authenticity of the article, as it appears more intelligent than other comments by him. But, while I can't prove that it is or it isn't authentic, what it reports appears to be accurate.

To further support his heritage, Churchill has provided a picture of his original Native American art work below the article. Much to my disappointment, it appears that he has cast his lot with the Cleveland Indians over the Atlanta Braves. (Maybe it's good. He reportedly loses control when he's pitching.)

Below is the link to the article for which no offense is intended and with all apologies to real Native Americans, whom I respect and who deserve better than to be associated with Churchill.

Am I an Indian? Ute be Surprised

Kinky Friedman to Bush--"Burn Cuba's fields!"

California could have a run for its money for the goofiest governor if Kinky Friedman is successful in his bid to be elected governor of Texas in 2006. I think that we need to examine this person who could follow in George W. Bush's footsteps if elected Texas governor.

First, an overview of Friedman may be in order. His father was a professor at the University of Texas, where Kinky studied psychology in the 1960s. His real first name is Richard but his college buddies nicknamed him Kinky for his hair--which seems to have traumatized him ever since.

After college, he formed a band. The band played both kinds of music--country and western. He named it (HE named it--not me!)The Texas Jewboys, whose repertoire included such classics as "They Ain't Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore" and "Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in bed." You may have heard these offered on the PBS fund raisers for the $500 level. His music career included a stint touring with Bob Dylan.

He moved to a writing career that took off in the mid 1980s. He has authored seventeen mystery novels in which he is the main character, a private detective. He has written for Rolling Stone and Texas Monthly magazines. In the Texas Monthly, his anti-hunting piece (in Texas of all places!) resulted in the most hate mail and canceled subscriptions in the magazine's history. The publisher didn’t fire him saying that the publicity was worth it.

In an early fray into politics, Friedman ran for justice of the peace with the slogan, "If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!" Even with that platform, he lost the election.

Throughout his career he has expressed his views on life:

• But if you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.
• Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
• I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.
• I'd be a Buddhist if it weren't for Richard Gere.
• On the whole, I preferred cats to women because cats seldom if ever used the word "relationship".
• If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.
• Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged Wasps have to dress up like a pimp.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

President Bush invited Friedman to spend the night at the White House. Before going Friedman emailed the president: "I have four women, four editors, and four dogs. Can I bring them all?" Bush replied, "Just the dogs." After the visit, Friedman said, "I didn’t sleep in the Lincoln bedroom, but I did give George W. a Cuban cigar. He looked shocked, but I told him that we weren’t supporting the Cuban economy, we were burning their fields. George W. smoked the cigar."

Friedman is dead serious in his bid to be governor. He hired the campaign manager that helped Jesse Ventura win the governor's seat in Minnesota. His slogan is "Why the Hell Not?" Considering alternatives, it's hard to argue with that.

Education is the biggest part of his platform, and he would pay for it by legalizing casino gambling. He's not against the death penalty but is against innocent people being executed, which spoils half the fun in Texas. On outlawing gay marriage he says, "I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us."

Kinky Friedman is neither a Republican nor a Democrat, but the Republicans are pushing him to join the Democrats.

Bush leads Warriors over Sand Devils

I know that the war in Iraq is very serious, but let's take a time out to consider how a friend thinks that President Bush could better handle the PR side of it.

I was telling Del about Bush visiting Auburn University a couple of years ago. Bush started the speech with a big "War Eagle!," which is battle cry of the school's athletic teams. Of course, with that on film, guess what the athletic department now shows on the big matrix screen before the start of every game. It's almost enough to make an Alabama fan vote Democratic--but only almost.

This made Del think about how Bush could use sports concepts to increase public support--particularly for our mission in Iraq. Here's what he had to say. Keep in mind this is from Del, and not me. He's the weird one.

Maybe Bush's foreign policy would be more popular if he'd only thought to assign mascot names to the various countries. You know, like Iraq could be the "Sand Devils" and then we could be the--well, "War Eagles" actually would work, or maybe "Warrior Eagles." Journalists would be instructed to use sports metaphor. Instead of "A convoy squadron sustained heavy casualties today," we would hear, "Whoa, Bob! The offensive line just fell apart on that last drive, no question about it. Ahmed saw an opening and he went for it! That was almost a turnover!" etc.

Well, Del only saw the possibilities as it related to the military, and that makes sense seeing how football has field generals who attack opponents and drive into their territory with ground attacks and aerial assults. Particularly dangerous is the long bomb.

If the sports tie-in could be expanded so that I could get my news from ESPN or Turner Sports, then I could stay current on events and the baseball standings at the same time. We could have color commentaries by fun-loving guys like Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld cutting up with each other. I'd replace Bill Schneider with Charles Barkley, whose quotes are memorable and smarter.

Of course, though, we would have to keep the traditional media. Someone has to stick around to tell liberals what they want to hear.

Did I tell you that I have weird friends? Go blame them for this.

Democratic Wheels

Did you survive this weekend's talk shows of Democrats and liberal commentators? As I listened to them, they brought to mind those "street cars" with fancy chrome or mag wheel rims that keep spinning and spinning around when the car is at a full stop! You've seen them stopped at lights. Cool, huh?

Well, those are Democratic Wheels. Just like the party, they keep spinning and spinning with no forward motion. They look great doing it, though.

In addition, the Democrats want to sell me, but as with those wheels--I'll look, but I'm not buying.

The Democrats, not content with nothing to offer, don't want anyone else to move forward either. Maybe we could offer another road symbol to represent them--a barricade. I hope that the Republicans can break through them without going nuclear.

In the meantime, I'll admire their illusions of motion.

My First Day on the Job

When GM first asked me to fill in for him, I was hesitant, seeing how he has such high standards and sophisticated readers. GM said, "Don't worry. Why, you'll make ME look great!" I think that was a compliment, but GM wanted to clinch the deal, so he let me in on an inside secret. Here it is. Don't tell others.

Chicks really dig bloggers and there's LOTS of money in it!

That did it and I'm in! Let the good times roll!

Now, this is new territory, so work with me until GM returns. It may be like what my grandfather told me after I hit a golf ball in the lake after I came out of a sand trap after I punched out of the rough after a bad slice off the tee--"Bad shots make you appreciate the good ones." By the end of ten days you may appreciate GM a lot!

Did you notice that GM turned this over to me on Friday the 13th? I'm not superstitious, so what could go worng?

Let me share what I admired about this site and why I was happy that GM asked me to help him. GM has adopted honest standards. He also happens to be conservative. In addition, he explains that our different experiences may make one person's "truth" vary from that of another person--thus, encouraging people to share ideas without judging. Let's try our best to maintain these standards and openness. The only thing that I would add is that, if my truth is conservative, then it's probably right. Right?

Now, it's my deep felt belief that sites such as this get their real value, not from the hosts, but from the input of readers and their exchange of information and thoughts. This belief is sincere and that is why I want to encourage your participation and comments. Everyone and every idea is welcome and has value. Liberals are especially encouraged. I think that we can learn from each other, maybe change some minds, and all of us have some fun in the process. In either case, let's keep it clean and positive. My mother may be reading this and she thinks I'm perfect.

Now, some good news. I have great ideas for this week, such as a line-up of PRIZES including: Free gas! Baseball tickets! Bowling with GM! The possibilities are staggering. Seeming concerned, GM wanted to know who was going to pay for all of this. At first I thought, "Well, what about all that money you said that we'd make?" Then I got it. I said, "Well, who pays for anything that's free? We'll get the government to pay for it!" My congressman promised that he would put this on his list right after saving social security, so it might take a few days.

Now, to warn you in advance, some of the posts will be serious and others not so serious. I only hope that you can tell the difference. Consider my two posts below this one. The first person to actually guess which one is the serious post will be declared the winner! Now, I know this will be harder for liberals to analyze, so I'll be patient and may award extra affirmative action credits.

Take out your No. 2 pencils, break the seal, and let' start. Oh yeah...and, thanks for chipping in!

Sports and Politics

I often see connections between sports and politics. Politicians see this, too, and play on it. For instance, they attend sports events and have photo-ops with teams that win championships. President Bush attended the Daytona 500 for the NASCAR dads, while Kerry went snowboarding and cycling for....for, I have no idea, but he looked real cool. Kerry also posed with the Boston Red Sox after they won the World Series, but that ended after the winning pitcher Curt Schilling backed Bush. But, you can tell more about politicians from a baseball perspective.

Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch at RFK for the Washington Nationals last month? Great throw over the plate (maybe a little high, but it’s harder with that protective vest he has to wear.) Just like his agenda, you knew that he could put it across. In contrast, did you see the clip of John Kerry throwing a baseball when he was running for President? If his pitches are like his campaign and his friends at MoveOn, then they are far to the left and in the dirt. Also, he threw like a girl. Maybe that impresses Jane Fonda, but not me.

Men can look at how someone throws and instantly know who will get his vote. In fact, we could quit worrying about problems with voting�confusing machines and instructions, long lines, required identification, going to the wrong polling place, and explaining how dead people voted solid for Democrats and in alphabetical order. (Of course, all those are just problems for the Democrats. Smart people don’t have those same issues.) To get around this and put in a new way to pick presidents, let’s just have the candidates go to the pitcher’s mound and show us what they can do.

Here’s how it works. You get one pitch for each state with a red ball for the tie-breaker. (You can’t have one ball per electoral vote because that exceeds the allowable pitch count unless you allow the Vice Presidents to step in as relievers and a judge to be the closer.) Getting back, whoever gets the most strikes wins! I’ve looked back over the elections and the candidates. This method would have gotten the same result for each election over the last fifty years--except when limp-wristed Jimmy Carter was elected. In that case, the baseball method would have proven to work better and would have saved this country four years of agony. Do you think some activist judge could re-interpret the Constitution to get this change?

Let’s hope it’s in place by the time Hillary runs for president in 2008. The Republicans could run Curt Schilling against her.

Hillary Visits An Elementary School

Gleefully stolen from David at Third World County And, while you are at it, go take a look at Third World County, it's a great site, lots of good reading and an eye pleasing design.
Like David, I have no Idea At All if this story is true or not, but it could be. It could be!

So, like, Hillary Clinton goes to an elementary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?