The Democrats Rosetta Stone

GM: "Hey Woody?"
Woody: "Yeah GM?"
GM: "Our Democratic friend Jim sent us what he called the "Top 50 Republican Values."
Woody: "That was nice of him."
GM: "Yeah, but they kinda make us look bad."
Woody: "Let me see...oh, I see what you mean."
GM: "Woody, you know how the Democrats always speak in
"doublespeak"
Woody: "Yeah, and?"
GM: "Well, wouldn't it be nice of us to translate each of these so called values into what the Democrats really mean?"
Woody: "You mean kind of like a Rosetta Stone."
GM: "Yeah, whatcha think?"
Woody: "Great idea GM. We can put down each "value" and then translate it into what the Democrats really mean."
GM: "Let's git-er-done."

And so dearly beloved, GM and Woody labored to provide you with a solid translation of what the Democrats really mean in the firm and certain knowledge that they were providing an immeasureable service for many future generations.

The list of Republican values, beliefs, moral guideposts that we know they will always stand by, come hell or high water. Here's a start:

(1) the end justifies the means. Translation: We don't know how to get to a useful end, so we'll accuse the Repubs of overreaching.
(2) War, because it is profitable, is good for the economy. Translation: If we accuse the Repubs of being war mongers, no one will notice that most of our major wars have been started during Democrat presidencies.
(3) To endeavor endlessly to impose the rightness of our ways on others, consoled by that fact that those who continue to disagree, don't matter anyway. Translation: We can accuse the Repubs of doing what we have always done... confuse the issue, state falsehoods and circumlocute for all we are worth.
(4) Secrecy in the pursuit of domination is no vice. Translation: If we do it, it's in the national interest, if the Repubs do it, they have some nefarious scheme up their sleeve.
(5) The only way to save Iraq is to destroy it. Translation: Heh, we used this one in Vietnam too, and dumb ole Nixon kept it going for us.
(6) Obfuscation is the better part of information. Translation: That way, we can call a decrease in the increase of social spending a spending cut and the stupid red-staters will never catch on.
(7) Never take the blame for which you can lay on others. Translation: We've been doing that for years, remember Clinton's famous slut/stalker defense regarding Lewinsky?
(8) Treat citizens like mushrooms, keep them in the dark and cover them with shit. Translation: Heh! Get high powered speakers like Byrd or Biden or even Kerry up there to confuse issues and those red-state rubes will never catch on.
(9) Republican values are measured by the "value" of one's portfolio. Translation: We don't want them to know that the richest members of the House and Senate are usually Democrats, especially when you get to marry a fortune like John did.
(10) The only bad lie is one that hasn't been covered up adequately. Translation: Why, this whole 50 thingys that we are trying to pin on the Repubs is a big fat lie, but if we tell it loud enough, often enough....
(11) When Battling Evil, take care to build consensus, even if you have to buy it. Translation: We never battle evil,so we don't have to worry about this one.
(12) Never wait passively for tommorrow, when there is profit to be made today. Translation: Filibuster right down to the appointment of city dogcatchers.
(13) Appeal to the base motives in society to guarantee the ignoble will support us. Translation: Call Gitmo a gulag, keep blacks on the Democrat Plantation by seeking their support every four years and telling them how much we have done for them.
(14) When Battling Evil, take care to build consensus, even if you have to buy it. Translation: Hey, this is the same as number 11 but don't mention it, those yo-yo's in the red states are too dumb to notice.
(15) Pay lip service to Mother Earth before raping and pillaging her. Translation: Anytime we can blame a Repub for a natural disaster, lack of foresight on our part or not enough money spent the way we want it spent this will make them look like anti-environmentalists.
(16) When setting policy based on false claims, always have compelling backup excuses. Translation: Didja ever notice how good this one is working on Social Security?
(17) Never lose sight of the fact that God and the Flag are essential props in proper patriotic salesmanship. Translation: By accusing the Repubs of being Chauvinistic and overly patriotic, we can claim to be hurt when they question our judgment or motivation. Works every time.
(18) If anyone mentions (a) Jean Lafitte or (b) that the Statue of Liberty was made in France, shout as loudly and as longly as necessary. Translation: Those damn frogs have never given any help to us, but this makes us look like citizens of the world, willing to keep our allies intact.
(19) Gays can be cured. If we pray for them, they will join us in holy matrimony. Translation: If we accuse the Repubs of bigotry often enough, no one will notice that the Log Cabin Republicans and a lot of Gay Bloggers are solidly in their corner.
(20 Repeat a lie three times and it's transformed into truth. Translation: Actually, this one is ours, but if we accuse the Repubs of it it will remind the red-state numbskulls of Joseph Goebbels.
(21) If only the rich had all the money there would be no poor people. Translation: We know that there will always be poor people, most of our policies are guaranteed to make it that way. After all, we know whats best for all those rubes. We can tax them into the poor house and spend all the money on projects that make us feel good. Won't do any good for anyone, but we'll feel great.
(22) Do away with affirmative action because it "vulcanizes" society. Translation: This one is great, we invent affirmative action in order to make blacks think we are doing something for them and we get a chance to take a poke at Bush too... just like this. (Ed. Note: Bush meant Balkanize -- the idiot!)
(23) Never underestimate the persuasive power of a good sex scandal. Translation: Heh! Why do you think all us Democrats are so randy?
(24) Never let stupidity and ignorance stand in the way of good irrationality. Translation: Hey, this one applies to us, not Repubs, what's it doing here?
(25) Making sure that there's an ongoing war during an election campaign is a surefire way to get re-elected. Translation: We used that to good stead for Presidents Wilson, Roosevelt, Truman, Johnson and now the repubs try it with Bush...what, do they think we don't recognize our own tactic?

The remaining 25 falsehoods Republican values will have to be translated in another entry, more research material from Howard Dean and the DNC must be obtained before good translations can be made.

This has been a public service provided to all Americans by GM and Woody. You're welcome!