GM for President

The time has come the GM said,
To talk of many things!
Of Congressmen, and Senators; of Governors and Kings!
And why current candidates ain’t so hot,
and whose candidacy has wings;
Of GM's run for President and other Silly Things!
........with requisite apologies to Lewis Carroll

And with this announcement, yes, yours truly, GM, the master of verse and all things political, the one and only, the brow-beater of all that is ill-liberal and other useless ideologies is running for President of These United States. I will need to have a platform of course, and to make sure that everyone is represented, I hereby adopt as my platform something from everyone else's platform/promises/stupid comments made when they thought no one was listening.

GM's Platform For A better Mañana:

From Hillary: I hereby promise to confiscate all profits from the big oil companies (of course, there is no way to do that legally, so I'll have to put a TAX on them -which they in turn can pass on to the consumer driving prices up even further).promise to make any promise that Shrillary makes but do it better!

From Rudy The G: I hereby promise to extend the gun control benefits of New York to the rest of the country Join the NRA!

From Barrak Obama: I hereby promise to make health care affordable exactly like I propose on my website of course, I don't have a real plan, but neither does he, and like him, I'll put forth mucho good sounding stuff that does really nothing to "make health care affordable for all Americans" but hey, if elected I'll have plenty of time if you don't die in the meantime.

From Mitt Romney: I'll point to "the Abu Ghraib scandal as evidence the country was, at times over the past few years, not effectively managed." Of Course, the idiots behind Abu Ghraib don't have any responsibility in managing the country "effectively" because they were low lifes who somehow were in the military and the highest ranking one was a BG who got canned from her job for not paying attention to what her troops were doing.

From Dennis Kucinich: I promise to make this the Flag of These United States P.S., it says "We Quit" and I KNOW OBL will like it!

From John McCain: I'll ask that every American who blogs, who has something to say about politics, who doesn't work for a major newspaper or MSM outlet be quiet as I take away their rights to open "Political Speech." Of course, I'll deny that that is what the act does, but I'll put your fanny in jail if you cross me on that!

From Christopher Dodd: I'll call for a "Surge Of Diplomacy" on Iraq. Of course, the people I will exercise diplomacy with (read, Iran, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Jordan, Egypt, Hamas, Hezbollah) won't do a damn thing, but doesn't it sound really nice, much nicer (and neater) than war could ever hope to be.

From Mike Huckabee: I'll support "The Arts!" With so many really important issues before the public, it is absolutely important that we all know the difference between a crayon drawing our kids put up on the refrigerator and say the Mona Lisa. (Well, it sounded important to me at the time)

From John Edwards: I'll be as populist as they come, why I'll not settle for 2 Americas, I'll insist on Four and just because he could have stayed in the senate and worked on issues he found important but thought it more important to build a $20,000,000.00 mansion and go to work for a HEDGE FUND where you have to be really, really rich to even think about getting in, I won't do that, I'll only live in a $1,000,000.00 mansion as soon as I scam enough Americans EARN that amount of money via hard work such as oh... say channeling unborn babies who will have cerebral palsy which had nothing to do with the doc's decision not to do a C-Section.

From Sam Brownback: I'll appoint a commission to make sure that those video game producers are much more accurate with their rating systems. I mean, after all, with all the really serious stuff I have to talk about, don't you think this is important too? I know that parents won't take the time to supervise their children's purchases so, I guess the mommy state government must.

From Joe Biden: I'll show everyone how to control the climate. No, really! After all, as Biden says: "For too long we have abdicated the responsibility to reduce our own emissions – the largest single source of the problem we face today. It is now clear that our country's retreat from leadership in global climate talks reduces the effectiveness of international efforts to address climate change, and provides an excuse for China, India, Mexico, Brazil, and the other leading emitters of the future to stay with us on the sidelines." Of course, in my administration, I'll put a stop to all the hot air expended by the likes of Biden... "we have abdicated the responsibility to reduce our own emissions – the largest single source of the problem we face today." Oh really Joseph, the largest single source? Gosh, that lets China, India and Europe off the hook doesn't it?

From Tommy Thompson:

"When I look at the country at large I see these huge problems facing us as a country and I don't see any candidate either Republican or Democrat that is offering ideas," Thompson said at the Bedford Village Inn Politics and Eggs forum. "That's why I decided to run."

and, as his website notes "Thompson says he's only candidate who has answers (Union Leader)." Unfortunately for the rest of us, I'm not sure that Tommykins knows what the questions are. I on the other hand, know all, see all, and can blather much better than "I see these huge problems."

From Mike Gravel: "Senator Gravel believes that global climate change is a matter of national security. As President, he will act swiftly to reduce America's carbon footprint in the world bypassing legislation that caps emissions." "BYPASSING" I guess that should be "by passing" but hey, in the rough and tumble of presidential politics, a mistake here and there should get you elected. Isn't that right Senator Obama?

From Tab Duncan Hunter:

I believe the current decisional law on the Establishment and Free Exercise Clauses of the First Amendment is inconsistent and flawed. For example, the recent decisions on the Ten Commandment display, where the Supreme Court ruled that in Texas it is appropriate to have a Ten Commandments monument on the courthouse grounds, but in Kentucky the same display violates the Establishment Clause. The Founding Fathers developed these clauses to guarantee the right of all citizens to worship and to protect the church from the state, not to strip religion from the everyday lives of Americans.

Uhhh, Congressman, I believe essentially what you do, but you see, I passed 8^th grade civics and I know that when two courts disagree about a rule, it is up to the USSC to sort it out and then that becomes the law of the land. And that is in the constitution too Congressman

From Guillermo Bill Richardson: I hereby promise to get our troops out of Iraq and engender a blood bath so that I can send them to Darfur to stop a blood bath, of course, we won't ONLY send them Darfur, why, I'll "use our full diplomatic weaponry" (Psssst, Bill, is that better than a MOAB?)

From Tom Tancredo: I think running for President is the utmost in civic responsibility. So, I'll be sure that my official website (GM4Prez.yougottabekidding - when and if I get it up) will list, among all of the really important stuff, I'll list my Musical Taste... after all, Tom Did - "Music Tastes of The Candidates."

There you have it beloved readers, boys and girls, ladies and germs. This is my platform, taken from all of the other candidates and based on the idea that while all of them have some supporters, they all also have a number of detractors. Because I've chosen the silliest of their stuff from their websites or from the news, I may be either disliked the least (and thus win in a landslide) or not taken seriously at all. And if THAT happens, I won't be any worse off than these two (ahem!) fella's (who really are running, God Bless 'Em!!!)

Posted by gmroper at May 12, 2007 10:56 AM | TrackBack