June 02, 2006
In the Navy: Steaks and a Life of Ease
A recent commenter on this site, who had been in Iraq, said that those who served in the Navy had it pretty easy, including steaks at night. I did some checking and found out that we can duplicate their easy lives just by following certain steps at home. I didn't see steaks on the list, but I can correct that.
Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home: from LaughNet
● Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
● Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
● Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
● Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
● Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
● Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
● Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
● Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
● Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
● Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
● Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey.
I suspect that those from other branches of the military never had to go through anything like this. But, if you believe differently, you can help us add to this list or make one for your own branch of service so that all Americans can experience the joys of military life. (Keep it light, which means no rantings about killing civilians and such by lefties, who could learn to enjoy humor and life once in a while.)
The listing above was only a partial list. For the full list, go to this link: LaughNet
Posted by Woody M. at June 2, 2006 08:40 AM | TrackBackArmy: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, paint it!
Army time: 0800 hours
Navy time: 8 bells
Airforce time: 0800 hours
Marine Corps time: When the little hand is on the 8...
Posted by GM Roper at June 2, 2006 11:57 AM
USAF . . . when you really, really need it some time in the next twelve or so months.
ARMY . . . Aint Ready to be Marines, Yet.
NAVY . . . you can always count on them dropping you off on a beautiful beach where people are shooting at you.
USMC . . . Uncle Sam's Misguided Children.
Posted by Mustang at June 3, 2006 07:33 AM
This has been emailed around for a few years:
You might be in the Army if.....
1. The day after payday you realize you've spent half of your earnings on "champagne" for a woman who speaks broken English and pretends to be interested in your war stories....
2. Instead of a gold chain around your neck, you've got a stainless steel one threaded through a P38.
3. Your street addresses have been Infantry Blvd, Howitzer Lane and Drop Zone Drive.
4. Your wife/girlfriend responds to "hooah" and understands what it means regardless of the context you present it in.
5. When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where the latrine is.
6. When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of approach and good fields of fire before setting up your tent.
7. You ridicule other campers for setting up downwind and down slope of the latrine.
8. You're the only one that doesn't complain about having to stand and eat at the same time at parties.
9. When you're stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse that you've just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.
10. You're always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in a nightclub on TDY.
11. You've ever used your poncho-liner as a bedspread.
12. You have a bottle of Tabasco sauce ready for every meal.
13. You still have an urge to line up your shoes under your bed.
14. Either you or your spouse have a least one pair of camouflage underwear.
15. You've ever answered the phone at home like the CQ.
16. The only time you and the wife eat without the kids is at the unit "dining out".
17. You always back into parking spaces.
18. You have to look up your Parents phone number, but can dial the CQ, SDNCO, company, battalion and brigade with no problem at all.
19. Each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.
20. Your favorite author is Ralph Peters, Harold Coyle, Mike Malone, or Tom Clancy.
21. When your kids are too noisy, you announce "at ease!"
22. You don't own any blue ink pens.
23. Your leave always occurs during the last week of September.
24. You keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies.
25. When talking to relatives by phone, you end the conversation with "out here."
26. You refer to your spouse as "Household 6" or CINC House."
27. You've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.
28. Headline News is your favorite program.
29. You call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends.
30. You take the family camping with no tent or sleeping bags.
31. Your kids can speak three languages by age eight.
32. The only suit you own is your Class A uniform.
33. You carry your pager to the shower.
34. Your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states.
35. You convince your wife that all ten of your guns are necessary for home protection.
36. You have more money invested in TA-50 than in your car.
37. You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that its only nine o'clock.
38. The allotment column of your LES has more entries than the entitlement column.
39. No one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms.
40. You can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than directions to your house.
41. Your kids know the words to "she wore a yellow ribbon."
42. Your two-year old calls everyone in BDUs "daddy".
43. The phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.
44. Your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for twenty years.
45. Your monthly BAS goes to the mess hall.
46. You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes.
47. You live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.
48. Your family calls you "Sir."
49. All your jokes begin with "there was this soldier, a marine and an airman..."
50. You understood and related to the above list!
Posted by MerryMadMonk at June 3, 2006 10:11 AM
Picture it...Camp Lejeune, NC 1968. Some of us lieutenants were sitting around...not something we did alot of....and those that were married were wondering aloud just how they could explain to their wives (most were married, though not I at that time) what Vietnam was really like. Note: We were all infantry officers. We, collectively, came up with the notion as one could not really explain it, one had to "live" and the following was a "safe" way for the wives to experience combat.
1. Send your wife to live in the backyard for two weeks.
2. Require that she dig a hole and that would be her home. Note: carrying very heavy loads on one's back is another feature that might be added.
3. Occasionally turn on the sprinklers, both day and night.
4. Throw a box of C-rats (C-rations....today they eat MREs) out the door for her to eat.
5. No coming into the house for calls of nature, she has to stay out there for two weeks...however do not tell her how long she'll be out there.
6. Keep yelling things out the window and then change your mind so that she cannot really plan and/or count on anything.
7. Occasionally take a couple of shots at her....not too close, as you make hit her.
Well, one can make the list very much longer. Most folks, especially in the USA, including the homeless, have no damn idea what life is like for the grunts in the field. It is always either too hot or too cold. It often rains or there is a dust storm. There are insects, snakes and other scary things. You are always: dirty, tired, hungry and scared. The fear ranges from a low and constant sort of dread to a spike of near terror. This is caused by the fact that large numbers of people are really trying hard to kill you. One must live with this and maintain a steady demeanor. Hmmm. Gosh, I guess this isn't all that humorous. Sorry. I suspect that with the current frenzy about Haditha, I am recalling too much of my past.
Final Note: Frankly, for parents and spouses of service personnel, the waiting at home is much, much harder ... but in a different way.
Posted by tad at June 3, 2006 11:28 AM
tad, I sincerely appreciate your descriptions--funny or not. I was simply trying to weed out those people who would say variations of, "Join the army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them." That's funny to people who haven't had exciting and unusual people shoot at them.
Posted by Woody at June 3, 2006 02:31 PM
Good post, and comments.
Here are a few more Navy ones ...
Fire and flooding CAN happen at the same time.
Surface ships can submerge.
Non-skid takes a good week to scrub off.
45 degree rolls and 20 ft. seas seperate the men from the boys.
You know you're in a storm, when the line you used to secure things from falling breaks, and you have to take cover to avoid coffee mugs, coffee pots (with hot coffee), pubs, compasses, pens, pencils, and new sailors flying around.
It's fun to climb ladders when the ship pitches up (watch your head).
It's no fun to slide down ladders when the ship slams down (after pitching up).
It's a smorgasborg on the mess decks when the ship is rolling.
Hey! I didn't get beets with my soup! You're coffee is in my bug juice. Where are my mashed potatoes? In the Chiefs' jello. Bonus; it's a riot to walk on the mess decks during a storm. Kind of like ice skating, but food instead of ice, and the deck moves.
GQ, fires, floods, unreps, flight qtrs, nav details, exercises, surprilse inspections, NGFS, amphibious landings, missile firings and security alerts always happen on your time off.
Posted by Ben USN (Ret) at June 3, 2006 11:37 PM
Oddly enough, much of that sounds like raising two kids alone.
Sleeping on the floor in the kid's room with one eye open while the sick one pukes into the pasta pot - and misses. (This must be done with a barbie leg, and other various toys, stabbing you in the back all night)
Never getting a meal to eat all by yourself. (My husband can't understand why I hold my fork like a stabbing instrument while I eat)
Never sitting on the toilet without an audience. (this includes the pets as well.)
Standing in the garage with a load of laundry in your arms and hearing, "Uh-oh," from another room. (occasionally switch "Uh-oh" with a blood curdling scream - daily.)
Standing in line at the grocery store when your three year old looks at the tabloids and shouts, "Son of b____!" (Switch that with any embarrassing statement. "Mommy says you're an a____le," is a good one.)
Thinking up science projects and getting them completed on 12 hours notice. (Thankfully Hunny Bunny, our hamster, did a stellar performance for this one year.)
There's so much more in between, but finally ...
When they grow up and move out, the abject terror of hearing the phone ring at 3am.
Posted by Oyster at June 4, 2006 06:47 AM
Oyster, you think that's tough. I had a crucial putt lip out of the cup on the last hole.
Posted by Woody at June 4, 2006 07:32 AM
Oyster: "When they grow up and move out, the abject terror of hearing the phone ring at 3am."
I never used to understand why my dad hated 3 AM phone calls, now I do. They are terrorfying!
Posted by GM Roper at June 4, 2006 09:10 AM
BTW, for those who don't know, Marines often get both the good AND the bad of Navy life as well as being on land.
Having done 5 years, 5 months and 27 days of sea duty during my 32 + years in the Corps, I have many memories of those things mentioned about the Navy.
When aboard SAIPAN, I recall the Captain had "On the Road Again" sung by Willie Nelson (on the 1MC), every time we left port. We (Marines) thought that it was pretty...well, accurate and sort of cool.
Of course, there is nothing like being aboard an LST!. Heck, in calm seas it feels like your in a typhoon. Those of us who spent more time aboard bigger ships felt some pity for the destroyer and frigate crews. They are really tough in heavy seas...really tough. They sometimes ought get sub pay....green water over the bow...and sometimes over the bridge. Yikes.
Hats off to good men, and now women, who go down to the sea in ships. For strategists, that is "forward projection."
Posted by tad at June 4, 2006 05:04 PM
