December 12, 2006
Letter From Santa Claus
To: Everybody in the Southern United States
From: Santa Claus
Subject: Change in existing contracts:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
[Update]:
P.S. More Christmas magic for Southern kids....
![](http://gmroper.mu.nu/archives/Redneck Santa Sleigh.bmp)
and, sadly, no more reindeer games for Rudolph....
![](http://gmroper.mu.nu/archives/Redneck Christmas Deer.bmp)
That means so much more than lighting a Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center.
Posted by Woody at December 12, 2006 10:00 AM
Good TMI! Needed the smile.
Posted by chrys at December 12, 2006 02:52 PM
Well, I see someone's been taking photos of my parents house. Just can't get no privacy no how.
Posted by DADvocate at December 12, 2006 03:10 PM
Um, not to nitpick, but I think you forgot Louisiana in there.
Great post!~
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Uhhh, do cajuns count as southern? Oh well, since corrected ~~~~ GM
Posted by Louisiana Conservative at December 12, 2006 07:23 PM
Poor Rudolph...
Posted by Rob at December 12, 2006 07:59 PM
UM, GM, I thought I told you that I cannot let out the "Secret of Bubba", now people know I exist, and that cannot be tolerated. Just for that, you will receive a lifetime subscription to the "ACLU monthly", and your radio will only pick up (dead) Air America re-runs.
Posted by Smokey at December 13, 2006 01:48 AM
I'll leave a Budweiser on the end table.
Posted by Oyster at December 13, 2006 04:05 PM