"Deep Throat" Identified - G.M. Roper Cleared

In a surprise announcement, it was revealed that the Woodward & Bernstein source for Watergate and Nixon was not G.M. Roper. This ends years of speculation and denial from a nondescript mental health counselor and university instructor--formerly accused of being the behind the scenes political operative that brought down the Nixon White House.

After hearing the news, Roper said,

This is a weight off of my shoulders. Sure I had issues with Nixon, like the time he put in the wage freeze right before my 90-day performance review, but I remained loyal. My main beef was with Nixon's pal Bebe Rebozo, who tried to protect his friend by fingering me for breaking into the office of the psychiatrist treating Nixon enemy Daniel Ellsberg, when I was really only working on my Master's thesis covering the psychological trauma from certain military service. Then Nixon's buddy and campaign contributor Robert Vesco hid over $200 million in a bank in the Caribbean, and I was supposed to get some of that to help this guy in Nigeria get his dead uncle's millions out of that country. I understand that he is now contacting others for that purpose--cutting me out of the deal. My recent trip to the islands to find Vesco's loot still came up empty, and Castro won't let me into Cuba to see him. Other than those things, there was no reason for me to create a constitutional crisis. The country was running fine.

GM continued in an "off-the-record" remark,

People only think this Felt guy is the real Deep Throat. I mean, isn't that a little hard to swallow?

In his ever helpful way, Roper referred the reporters to G. Gordon Liddy, whom he claimed to have never met despite photographs of them together in a Texas bar, where they were detained for groping the buttocks of the waitresses. To deflect attention from himself, Roper tried to drag in a totally innocent person by saying, "If you ask me, you need to follow the trail to Woody. He's the one who met Nixon."

An anonymous source revealed that conspiracy theorists (to maintain their anonymity we'll call them steve and reg) think this announcement may be planned to get investigative reporters off the trail of Roper. Because there is no evidence of Roper being the real Deep Throat, they took a page from former Speaker Tom Foley who, in investigating a non-existent October surprise by Ronald Reagan and George Bush, issued a release stating that Congress needed to investigate precisely because there wasn't any evidence to substantiate the allegation. However, most wackos are going to move on.

The family of Felt has come out calling him a hero and letting him bask in the media glory. A family spokesman said,

Our relative took brave actions. He broke the law by releasing information from confidential FBI files and by failing to report possible crimes to a prosecutor. Because of him, Gerald Ford became President and it boosted the career of Chevy Chase, who then had a new falling-down act. Also, it set the stage for Jimmy Carter to become President--teaching Americans toughness and patience with double digit inflation, interest rates, and unemployment--not to mention teaching them humility by allowing our embassy personnel to be held captive in Iran for 444 days, which also launched ABC's Nightline with Ted Koppel.

If there's a lesson here, it's this--if you break the law, wait until you're in your nineties to confess so that if they sentence you to life in prison then you get a big laugh.

With that, the proud, but laughing, family members elbowed each other in the ribs and retired into the house to share the watermelon and beer sent courtesy of the Washington Post.
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As the story actually unfolded, a report by Vanity Fair revealed that the secret source for the Washington Post was W. Mark Felt, former assistant director of the FBI during the Nixon administration. Not said, but certainly can be assumed, is that Felt, who "felt" (ha ha) that he deserved to be Director of the FBI after Hoover, took exception to Nixon passing over him and selecting an outsider for that position--so, why not get revenge by undermining the leader of your country?

Word from the world of mass media has people praising Felt and calling on others to follow his example. In today's Huffington Post, Arianna (associated with illegal immigration hiring practices) writes:

Like the rest of the journalistic world, the Huffington Post is buzzing over the revelation of Deep Throat’s identity -- including posts from Nora Ephron, Paul Krassner, Harry Shearer, Bill Diamond and Rep. John Conyers, who hopes that Mark Felt’s example will inspire current Washington insiders to similar acts of courage and patriotism.

Now, I don't know about you, but I think it's a little strange that a currently serving member of the House of Representatives, Rep. John Conyers, is calling for other Americans to break the law. Of course, it's for a good cause--his. In his post, he wrote:

I am thrilled that Mark Felt came forward today to teach this generation a thing or two about responsibility and accountability.

So, the next time you see or suspect a crime being committed, don't call the police or report it. Take matters into your own hands. Cause pain to the perpetrator or, at least, pay him back on the sly when you can. The media will love you for it.

Note: Some of the above is a parody. We expect you to be able to tell what part is and what part is not. Any use of names and descriptions of their actions is purely in fun and is not meant to represent anything that actually happened. Isn't it a shame that I have to write this so that people don't get upset or offended?