June 01, 2005

"Deep Throat" Identified - G.M. Roper Cleared

In a surprise announcement, it was revealed that the Woodward & Bernstein source for Watergate and Nixon was not G.M. Roper. This ends years of speculation and denial from a nondescript mental health counselor and university instructor--formerly accused of being the behind the scenes political operative that brought down the Nixon White House.

After hearing the news, Roper said,

This is a weight off of my shoulders. Sure I had issues with Nixon, like the time he put in the wage freeze right before my 90-day performance review, but I remained loyal. My main beef was with Nixon's pal Bebe Rebozo, who tried to protect his friend by fingering me for breaking into the office of the psychiatrist treating Nixon enemy Daniel Ellsberg, when I was really only working on my Master's thesis covering the psychological trauma from certain military service. Then Nixon's buddy and campaign contributor Robert Vesco hid over $200 million in a bank in the Caribbean, and I was supposed to get some of that to help this guy in Nigeria get his dead uncle's millions out of that country. I understand that he is now contacting others for that purpose--cutting me out of the deal. My recent trip to the islands to find Vesco's loot still came up empty, and Castro won't let me into Cuba to see him. Other than those things, there was no reason for me to create a constitutional crisis. The country was running fine.

GM continued in an "off-the-record" remark,

People only think this Felt guy is the real Deep Throat. I mean, isn't that a little hard to swallow?

In his ever helpful way, Roper referred the reporters to G. Gordon Liddy, whom he claimed to have never met despite photographs of them together in a Texas bar, where they were detained for groping the buttocks of the waitresses. To deflect attention from himself, Roper tried to drag in a totally innocent person by saying, "If you ask me, you need to follow the trail to Woody. He's the one who met Nixon."

An anonymous source revealed that conspiracy theorists (to maintain their anonymity we'll call them steve and reg) think this announcement may be planned to get investigative reporters off the trail of Roper. Because there is no evidence of Roper being the real Deep Throat, they took a page from former Speaker Tom Foley who, in investigating a non-existent October surprise by Ronald Reagan and George Bush, issued a release stating that Congress needed to investigate precisely because there wasn't any evidence to substantiate the allegation. However, most wackos are going to move on.

The family of Felt has come out calling him a hero and letting him bask in the media glory. A family spokesman said,

Our relative took brave actions. He broke the law by releasing information from confidential FBI files and by failing to report possible crimes to a prosecutor. Because of him, Gerald Ford became President and it boosted the career of Chevy Chase, who then had a new falling-down act. Also, it set the stage for Jimmy Carter to become President--teaching Americans toughness and patience with double digit inflation, interest rates, and unemployment--not to mention teaching them humility by allowing our embassy personnel to be held captive in Iran for 444 days, which also launched ABC's Nightline with Ted Koppel.

If there's a lesson here, it's this--if you break the law, wait until you're in your nineties to confess so that if they sentence you to life in prison then you get a big laugh.

With that, the proud, but laughing, family members elbowed each other in the ribs and retired into the house to share the watermelon and beer sent courtesy of the Washington Post.
________________

As the story actually unfolded, a report by Vanity Fair revealed that the secret source for the Washington Post was W. Mark Felt, former assistant director of the FBI during the Nixon administration. Not said, but certainly can be assumed, is that Felt, who "felt" (ha ha) that he deserved to be Director of the FBI after Hoover, took exception to Nixon passing over him and selecting an outsider for that position--so, why not get revenge by undermining the leader of your country?

Word from the world of mass media has people praising Felt and calling on others to follow his example. In today's Huffington Post, Arianna (associated with illegal immigration hiring practices) writes:

Like the rest of the journalistic world, the Huffington Post is buzzing over the revelation of Deep Throat’s identity -- including posts from Nora Ephron, Paul Krassner, Harry Shearer, Bill Diamond and Rep. John Conyers, who hopes that Mark Felt’s example will inspire current Washington insiders to similar acts of courage and patriotism.

Now, I don't know about you, but I think it's a little strange that a currently serving member of the House of Representatives, Rep. John Conyers, is calling for other Americans to break the law. Of course, it's for a good cause--his. In his post, he wrote:

I am thrilled that Mark Felt came forward today to teach this generation a thing or two about responsibility and accountability.
Really?

So, the next time you see or suspect a crime being committed, don't call the police or report it. Take matters into your own hands. Cause pain to the perpetrator or, at least, pay him back on the sly when you can. The media will love you for it.


Note: Some of the above is a parody. We expect you to be able to tell what part is and what part is not. Any use of names and descriptions of their actions is purely in fun and is not meant to represent anything that actually happened. Isn't it a shame that I have to write this so that people don't get upset or offended?

Posted by GM Roper at June 1, 2005 03:20 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Woody, that is absolutely the funniest thing I've read in the last... ohhhhhh, 32 seconds or so.

Actually, I laughed my fanny off. Good post!

Posted by GMRoper at June 1, 2005 05:17 PM

While visiting over at Marc Cooper's and looking at this issue from that side, I had an exchange with my pal reg, and felt that my response to him, while not perfect by any means, should be repeated here to add clarification and justification for the serious thoughts in the post. If it is helpful for some others, here's part of what I said:

"I covered this particular event from a different perspective--one which I think is generally ignored by others. Just because there is a bigger story doesn't limit the coverage of the smaller, related story inside that. From your perspective, if I wrote only the same thing in the same way as others, then you would lose the opportunity to question your own preconceptions (or, confirm them.)

"I was having some fun, as you could tell, but at the same time I brought up the point that the left often deals in situational ethics which frequently violates laws set by the majority. That has consequences which deserve scruitiny rather than praise, because praise encourages more, and perhaps reckless, civil disobedience. It's especially egregious if a law enforcement officer is guilty of that. It's just an opinion, and it presents legitimate questions even if it may seem small in relation to the entire story.

"However, I will say that if you establish firm ethics, principles, morals, values, policies, or whatever you want to call the compass that guides you--then, decisions about your actions become much easier. Settle the big issue and the small issues fall into place.

"That is what I was raising in my remarks above, too. I have little respect for those who take the laws into their own hands--no matter how noble the cause. Your noble cause may be someone else's problem--or, vice versa.

"I disagree that Felt had no other options in reporting what he believed were crimes. People do it every day, and the people who are real heroes are the ones who make sacrificies to do that--not someone who sneaks around breaking laws so that he can keep a job with an outfit whose rules he rejects.

"If Felt swore to uphold the law, then he should have done his work properly. If he couldn't uphold the law, then he should have found another job. He is not a hero as many describe him.

"Keep in mind that none of this gives a pass to Nixon and his friends. On the other hand, the misdeeds of Nixon don't give a free pass to others whose sins just aren't as bad."

Posted by Woody at June 1, 2005 07:47 PM

Woody,

Based on a statsitical analysis of your track record of coming up with assertions I find that I can, in good conscience, agree with...I have reluctantly come to the conclusion, having read the informatiion you posted above, that GMRoper was, more likely than not, Deep Throat and Felt is just a nonagenarian publicity seeker. Why Woodward is giving cover to Roper, I can't say at this time. Perhaps the answer lies buried in the sands of the Bekaa Valley...

Posted by reg at June 2, 2005 01:47 PM





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