February 16, 2006
Surgical Jokes
Having just gone through life saving surgery, a very dear friend sent me the following joke using politics and surgeons as the foil. So, this is an open post and please post any surgeon's jokes you wish, it doesn't matter who the butt of the joke is about, liberal/conservative, democrat/republican, all that matters is that it be funny, and that you keep it clean (well, as clean as humanly possible... OK?)
Here is my entry (sent to me by a friend) to get the ball rolling:
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.If you have a joke about surgeons, surgery, the patient what ever, please post it in the comments section. Keep it clean, but the idea is to have a repository of humor for those facing surgery. LaughterOne of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York.
is still the best medicine.
Top Eleven Things You Don't Want To Hear In Surgery:
1 Oops.
2 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
3 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
4 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
5 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
6 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
7 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
8 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
9 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
10 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em
11 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
Posted by kender at February 16, 2006 03:17 PM
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"
Posted by kender at February 16, 2006 03:17 PM
An old couple go to the doctor, and after the man is examined he calls the wife in to talk to her.
Doc: I think your husband may be coming down with Alzhiemers
Wife: What makes you say that?
Doc: Well, he is convinced that God is a personal friend of his and helps him out
Wife: Well, Harold has always been rather religious
Doc: No, it is more than that, he swears that when he gets up to urinate in the middle of the night that God turns on the bathroom light for him
Wife: Dang it!!! He's whizzing in the fridge again!!!
Posted by kender at February 16, 2006 03:26 PM
Surgeons and Dr's in general are actually pretty generous: If your medic gives you 6 months to live and you come back 5 months later, tell him you can't raise the money in time to pay his bill, he'll have no problem giving you an extension.
Posted by Seth at February 16, 2006 05:38 PM
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." �Craig Kilborn
**************
"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." �Jay Leno
**************
In a car garage, where a famous heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his Mercedes, there was a loud mouthed mechanic who was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car. He saw the surgeon waiting and lured him into an argument.
He asked the doc after straightening up and wiping his hands on a rag, "Look at this car i'm working on. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon very calmly leaned over and whispered to the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
*************
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
*************
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: DRJ
EMAIL: drjohnson4@yahoo.com
IP: 68.105.250.229
URL:
DATE: 02/16/2006 09:12:49 PM
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Posted by Woody at February 16, 2006 06:03 PM
Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.
The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."
Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag."
Posted by DRJ at February 16, 2006 09:16 PM
Not a surgical joke, but I like it anyway.
A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam. The psychiatrist explains, "Your problem is obvious, you're two tents."
Posted by Woody at February 17, 2006 01:46 AM
One more and that's it, and this is bad enough to quit on.
A man goes to his doctor for his yearly checkup. The doctor instructs him to give a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. "Gee, I'm in kind of a hurry Doc," the man says, "can I just leave a pair of my underwear?"
Posted by Woody at February 17, 2006 01:48 AM
You do know about the black, English sense of humour, right?
Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's.
Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.
Posted by RottyPup at February 17, 2006 09:22 AM
Patient being prepped in the operating room. Doctors and nurses all around, all gowned up and with hair and mouth covers. Just before being put under, patient looks at the doctor and says, "Wait! How do I know you're not George Plimpton?"
Posted by mike at February 17, 2006 02:36 PM
GM,
This is a surgical joke thread but I'm still in the humorous mood. Would you mind if I post some military jokes? They've been around the block a few times but they're still good in my book.
*********************
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window
seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both
Admirals.
**********************
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys the Colonel says, "Yours is."
**********************
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter. Then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
**********************
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
**********************
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
**********************
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a bordello!" The Chief Master Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a bordello smells like."
**********************
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
**********************
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to Franzz before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in Franzz!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"
Posted by DRJ at February 19, 2006 03:02 PM
Just a question, but the joke about the Arkansas Doc that ends with the "became a senator from NY" line, is that really a joke, because a blonde horses' ass IS a senator from NY!
Posted by Smoke Eater at February 19, 2006 03:26 PM
A postman was attacked by dogs and taken to the hospital. The doctor walked in and told the postman that he had good news and bad news. The postman asked for the bad news first. "Well", the doctor said, "I'm going to have to amputate both of your legs." The postman, understandably, wept and cried in agony. When he was finally able to pull himself together he asked the doctor, "what's the good news?" The doctor said, "The guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes."
A guy walks into his psychiatrists office and prepares for the rorschat's ink blot association test.
The psychiatrist shows him the first card and the patient blurts out "boobs." He then shows the patient a second card to which the patient blurts out "boobs." The psychiatrist tells his patient, "I already know this about you - you've got a dirty mind." The patient retorts, "Me, you're the one showing the dirty pictures."
Posted by Michael Wohl at February 20, 2006 06:25 PM
I have known George Roper for about 9 months. I know that he's been through a tough time here of late and I just wanted those who visit the blog to know what a good man he is. He's devoted most of his life to helping others and continues to do so now. George, get well soon. All my best to you and yours.
Posted by Michael Wohl at February 20, 2006 06:32 PM
Once again, I know this is a surgical joke topic but it seems unfair to leave the lawyers out. The following questions were reportedly asked by lawyers in real cases:
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Posted by DRJ at February 20, 2006 09:24 PM
