Campaign Finance Reform: A Fable For Modern Times

Once Upon A Time

in a land far, far away, the majority of Democrats began harping about "big money" influencing votes. They whined, cried, said the poor little man had no influence because big money bought face time, perverted the "democratic process," influenced votes, and other nefarious plots against we little fellows. Of course, what really counted were votes, but that too was fairly perverted because congress-critters consistently did everything they possibly could to make sure they got re-elected. And, you know what? It didn't matter which party got re-elected, even if the two houses switched from time to time because they all knew that they would switch back sooner or later. Of course, the spineless republicans assisted in this move towards campaign finance reform this massive re-election gambit because they didn't want to appear to be beholden to big money either.

So, boys and girls, a couple of less than wise Senators, by the name of Mack Kain and Fine Gold sat down one evening over a glass of very strong iced tea and concocted a little jewel called the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (BCRA) in 2002 and lo and behold, with the support of King Georgeous II the bill passed. Of course, the impetus for the bill was something called the campaign finance scandal of 1996:

In 2002, spurred by the 1996 campaign finance scandal which involved illegal donations to the Democratic Party from overseas sources and, later, the collapse of Enron, a major contributor to politicians at all levels of the U.S. system...
Source

Now children, in 1996, there was a King by the name of Bill Clinton, our very first black president. King Bill got caught with having people spend the night in the King Abraham bedroom and he charged a heck of a lot more than the Holiday in does, let me tell you! He did it again, and again, and again. Not satisfied with that, he also took a lot of money from a couple of Chinese fellows who were probably working for the government of the People's Republic of China (and you should note kiddies, that any government that has "People's Republic" in its title, isn't either - but that's another story) and he approved the sale of some very sophisticated stuff to the People's Republic which they probably couldn't have obtained in any other way. But, back to my story. The various folk fed millions of dollars into the Democratic Party coffers (sometimes by asking friends to donate, then reimbursing them which is not only bad form, but illegal too). In fact, when the Sheriff came knocking at their doors, they escaped out the back door and fled to the People's republic where they wouldn't have to answer any questions.

Then, in 1996, the Assistant King by the name of Algore (you pronounce that OWLGORE) went to a Buddhist Temple to give a speech for his race for the Assistant Kingship. Now, the monks and nuns at the Buddhist Temple had all taken a vow of poverty, that means that they had no money at all. They promised to stay poor so that they could be ascetics and help others. But you know what, by the magic of the ghostly givers, those poor monks and nuns who had no money at all suddenly found the very next day 42 plus checks made out to the campaign fund totalling more than $100,000.00 and that is a lot of Wheaties kids. Later, way more than half was found to be illegal in spite of the fact that Assistant King Algore said that there was "no controlling legal authority." Boy, was he wrong.

And so, here we are today, the wife of Former King Bill is running to be king and her royal thighness has been busy collecting money for that race. She has collected money from a fellow by the name of Norman Hsu. Hsu was also implicated in the 1996 funny-money business (source) and 11 years later, Mr. Hsu is at it again. In fact, Mr. Hsu has some friends named Paw who have also given a bunch of money to the wife of Former King Bill (her name is Hillary by the way) and the Paws have barely enough money to live in a little green house right smack dab in the middle of a flight pattern for the airport. And, it turns out that Mr. Hsu is not even an honest guy, he is wanted for, well, just take my word for it children, he is wanted by the LAW. Not only that, but another fellow by the name of Abdul Rehman Jinnah between 2004 and 2005 funneled money into Hillary's coffers and the coffers of other Democrats. Mr. Jinnah is now wanted by the FBI but he seems to be playing HIDE-and-go-seek.

Miss Hillary's spokespeople have said that Mr. Hsu was an honorable man and they wouldn't be giving any money back, but that was yesterday and today is today and now they have given a whole bunch of that money to charity. Of course, they think that by giving the money to charity, it lessens the likelihood of anyone saying that they were involved in any way, but we know better don't we children?

Then there is the Case of Peter Paul and whether or not Miss Hillary was involved in bilking of others by taking part in planning a fraudulent fund raiser. Yes boys and girls, there is now a civil suit and Miss. Hillary may have to testify under oath. But that's OK, as we have learned in the past she is very forgetful.

And so children, this little fable comes to an end, but there is a moral you must learn. And that moral is:

Beware of people that tell you they want reform, because too often it only means a different way of doing the same thing.

Posted by gmroper at August 30, 2007 10:05 PM | TrackBack