Quotable Quotations Quoted

Quotable Quotations Quoted For Your Pleasure (supplied by my good friend Mustang)

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased