March 11, 2006
Conquering Fear!
Fear, abhorrence, agitation, angst, anxiety, apprehensiveness, aversion, awe, bugbear, chickenheartedness, cold feet, cold sweat, concern, consternation, cowardice, creeps, despair, discomposure, dismay, disquietude, distress, doubt, dread, faintheartedness, foreboding, fright, funk, horror, jitters, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, presentiment, qualm, recreancy, reverence, revulsion, scare, suspicion, terror, timidity, trembling, tremor, trepidation, unease, uneasiness, worry and they all mean roughly the same. Fear: noun n.
1. a. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.Well, I guess number two can be ruled out; anyone who blogs can't be worried about looking foolish.
b. A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
2. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
3. Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
4. A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.
When I first received the diagnosis of lung cancer, my first thought was, "Not me, it can't be, it must be a mistake" followed immediately by "Crap, now what do I do," and of course the answer was "fight back, fight on." And this is exactly what I have done. But I've also watched my beloved wife cry when she didn't think I was looking. I've seen my daughter cringe inwardly, but put a brave front up as long as she thought I was watching. I've heard people ask "How are you doing, oh George, I'm so sorry to hear that."
And I have to ask myself, what do they know that I don't know. Why aren't I afraid, and if I really am afraid, why am I hiding it. When I told my employer that I had cancer she remarked "How can you be so calm?" The answer is of course that I could choose to be something else. But what would it accomplish? How would unmitigated worry help me beat the cancer, a task I fully intend to complete?
A dear friend sent my beloved wife a book called "Nothing To Fear" by Larry Burkett. Mr. Burkett is a financial guru who was diagnosed with cancer of the kidney in 1995, the book was written in 2003 and we can presume that he is on the road to full recovery if not already there. He is a Christian and approaches the fight with that perspective. That is fine; it definitely fits in with my faith as well. There are some things I'm not sure I agree with, having a stronger faith in established medicine and not quite sure of many of the alternative medicine routes, but be that as it may, it's an excellent book. One of the things that Burkett said that really struck home and reinforced my optimism is this:
FEAR OF DEATH: Cancer not only has a bad reputation, but also has a very bad track record, because many of the people who are diagnosed with cancer don't survive it. But you know what? The people who have good health don't survive that either. I want to keep reminding you, just as I continually remind myself, that nobody lives forever. We're all going to die from something.As I have said before, no one gets off of this earth alive except for astronauts, and not all of them. Which brings me right back to fear. The fear of death is almost a universal. We may have faith in an afterlife, but there is in many of us a niggling fear that we don't know. The atheists among us don't worry about that, they "know" there is nothing else (boy, are they gonna be surprised.
) But real faith in an afterlife indicates that the fear of death is exaggerated and we should really cast it aside. So, as far as having cancer is concerned, either I will live in spite of it or die from it. If I live, I win because I get to be with my family, I get to do the counseling work that I love, I get to attend movies, dinners with friends, church and just sit outside and enjoy the sunset or sunrise. If I die, I get to be in heaven with my maker. That is a win also. A true win-win situation.
I'm reminded of my beloved grandfather Nat Melbert who had a long and active life as a Methodist Minister. He once joked, "I don't know why they always put fences around cemeteries. No one on the outside wants to be there and no one there can be outside." Daddy Bah (as we called him) exuded faith almost like no one I've ever met and his history is an amazing one. His body gave out after 90+ years and though I miss him, I never once heard him worry about dying. In September of '84, I received word that he was on his last legs and I had better hurry to San Antonio to see him. I drove up there as fast as I dared crying because I might miss saying goodbye. When I drove up to my mom's house to find out which hospital and room he was in, my Uncle Jimmy met me and said "like Mark Twain, reports of dad's death are greatly exaggerated." I rushed to the hospital and entering his room, Daddy Bah said "Hi Guy, I'm still here." [Guy is my family nickname - remind me to tell you that story some day.]
I learned a lot from my Grand Father, and optimism was one of those things. Because I'm an optimist, because I have a strong belief that I am a child of God I'm not worried about dying, that fear is not one that I carry around. I am not to say that I don't have fears, I do, but they are usually transient and short lived. Optimism does that for you.
Fear, from a psychological standpoint can be defined both psychologically and physiologically. From the physiological standpoint, symptoms can (but don't always) include increased heart rate, flushing, short/rapid breathing, urge to urinate or defecate, heightened sensory perception including hearing and vision, piloerection (hair standing on end), tightening of muscles in a flight or fight readiness and an increased startle response. All of us have felt one or more of those symptoms at one time or another. Many of us who enjoy horror films (I am especially fond of the American-International films of the late 50's and early 60's especially Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee films) like them because of the temporary thrill of the invoked fear response. But that appreciation is pseudo-fear, real though it may be for the nonce and boosting it may be for the system.
In real life, fear, especially psychological fear can be crippling because it robs you of the will to do. Psychology texts often define fear as: "A rational reaction to an objectively identified external danger that may induce a person to flee or attack in self-defense." While it may oft be a "rational reaction" the danger can be identified as both real and as perceived which may or may not be real. The Wikipedia site's entry on Fear states:
Fear is an unpleasant feeling of perceived risk or danger, whether it be real or imagined. Fear also can be described as a feeling of extreme dislike towards certain conditions, objects or situations such as: fear of darkness, fear of ghosts, etc. It is one of the basic emotionsFear may underlie some phenomena of behavior modification, although these phenomena can be explained without adducing fear as a factor in them. Furthermore, application of aversive stimuli is also often ineffective in producing change in the behaviour intended to be changed. Fearing objects or contexts can be learned; in animals, this is being studied as fear conditioning, which depends on the emotional circuitry of the brain.
Fear inside a person has different degrees and varies from one person to another (see also phobia). If not properly handled, fear can lead to social problems. People who experience intense fear have been known to commit irrational and/or dangerous acts.
Some philosophers have considered fear to be a useless emotion; other thinkers note the usefulness of fear as a warning of potentially unpleasant consequences. Still others consider that fear is the fuel that feeds the ego's (as in "separating/judgmental agent") engine.[NOTE: There are additional useful links in the Wikipedia site, but remember that they are publically edited, not always by experts]
Fear can be engendered by being in a combat situation with the "enemy" shooting at you, or by receiving a message that "The boss wants to see you right now!" In both cases, the physiological response is the similar. But in the former, the danger is quite real. In the latter, it is a perceived threat, one that may or may not be a danger situation (unless of course, you know that you just recently screwed up and the boss has reason to see you "right now." ) In the former, you could get hurt or killed, in the latter, your mind is the controling factor even though the news may be good news coming (the boss is going to give you a huge raise, double your vacation time and make you the new Vice President).
There are many famous quotes regarding fear. Franklin Roosevelt's probably being the most famous: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." But his wife Eleanor said it better: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Other famous quotes include:
Fear of self is the greatest of all terrors, the deepest of all dread, the commonest of all mistakes. From it grows failure. Because of it, life is a mockery. Out of it comes despair."These and many more can be found here.
-- David Seabury."Fear; if allowed free rein, would reduce all of us to trembling shadows of men, for whom only death could bring release."
-- John M. Wilson."To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
-- Bertrand Russell."Fear cannot touch me. It can only taunt me, it cannot take me, just tell me where to go. I can either follow, or stay in my bed. I can hold on to the things that I know. The dead stay dead, they cannot walk. The shadows are darkness. And darkness can't talk."
-- Christopher Rice. A Density of Souls."Fear imprisons; faith liberates; fear paralyzes; faith empowers; fear disheartens; faith encourages; fear sickens; faith heals; fear makes useless; faith makes serviceable."
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick.
So, as George Patton once famously said: "Do not take counsel of your fears." and nothing could be truer. You can be afraid, but if you act on that fear, you imprison yourself and you feed the future a diet of failure and despair. If you act anyway, despite your fears, you may not survive, but you will have faced the future.
For many, many years, when people have asked me how I am, I answer "Alive and well, fat and sassy - not necessarily in that order." I find that to be just as good an answer today as it was before all this cancer stuff started.
I choose to face the fear, stare it down, and conquer. I choose to liberate myself from the cloying grip of worry and anxiety and fear, and look for that proverbial pony. Because, in that pile of manure, there must be a pony somewhere.
UPDATE: Welcome Instapundit readers. You can find more on this series by scrolling down on the sidebar for the CATAGORIES section and clicking on "Medical" At any rate, welcome, and stick around for a while, the ride is exhilarating.
UPDATE # 2/Correction: Larry Burke passed away on July 4, 2003. Thanks to reader Greg Marquez for the tip.
Posted by GM Roper at March 11, 2006 12:52 PM | TrackBackExcellent. Fear can bog us all down to the point where we cannot function; to overcome this we have to be realistic and always have HOPE. You keep this up. We have nothing to fear but fear itself and---- being the fighters we are- KEEP FIGHTING ON.
Posted by Raven at March 11, 2006 02:05 PM
I've been blogging about "courageism" as the only viable alterative to "terrorism," but there are surprisingly few people who are using the word. Try googling it!
Posted by Scott Somerville at March 11, 2006 02:42 PM
Congratulations!
Posted by Jorg at March 11, 2006 03:11 PM
Because, in that pile of manure, there must be a pony somewhere.---GMR
As you know ,we differ rather substantively on the 'availability' of that hard-to-find pony, but if anyone can find it (and deserve to do so), it's you.
Another fine and poignant post from a true gentleman. You always thank those who contribute 'good wishes' , but in this case allow me to thank you for a very uplifting and meaningful commentary.
Keep on truckin', friend. You are doing a lot more than just make lemonade when faced with an 'unfortunate' situation. I think we can all benefit from your musings on the nature of 'reality'.
I do anyway.
Posted by dougf at March 11, 2006 03:16 PM
I want you to know that you are in our prayers.
Posted by Jay at March 11, 2006 03:31 PM
Row..row...row the boat..........................
Gently down the stream..........................
Merrily...merrily.....merrily......merrily........
Life is but a dream.....................
Enjoy your ride.
My best wishes.
Posted by ~m at March 11, 2006 04:26 PM
GM,
this is another great post on why to live.
Live, and manage fear brother,
Fight on!
Posted by Michael at March 11, 2006 04:26 PM
Nice article. Just so you know Larry Burkett did pass away:
http://www.crown.org/larry/
Just a few scriptures that I hope you will find encouraging.
Luke 8:50 But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole.â€ÂÂ
Hebrews 2:15 And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.â€ÂÂ
James 5:14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.
James 1:6, But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. 7 For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.â€ÂÂ
Posted by Greg Marquez at March 11, 2006 04:28 PM
Hmm. I'm a blogger and I'm constantly conflicted over looking foolish. Fortunately, however, nobody reads my blog, so I fear nothing.
There are several types of fears. Paranoid fears, like loss of privacy, are just irrational. Realistic, but unlikely, fears we just have to learn to live with. Threats like terrorism, we have to stand up to; get tough and fight to defend ourselves.
Posted by AST at March 11, 2006 04:35 PM
Well said. BTW, I'm amazed at how often it works out the way it oughtta...a good friend and neighbor of mine has cancer and just came back with a great prognosis after we all thought the worst. He's a devout Christian. Keep praying.
Posted by Just Some Guy at March 11, 2006 04:40 PM
Ah, GM, you make the point so well! Every time I've feared something and walked into that fear, I've found that the fear vanishes like vapor, and the sun is bright and shining on the other side.
Walking though your fear may leave a bruise or two, but you always find that they're worth it as your courage is exercised. You will walk taller, live freer, and be unafraid to look everyone right in the eye.
Some fear is helpful - rational fear tells you NOT to irritate the poisonous snake or pass the railing at the top of the cliff, for instance. But the fear that doesn't want you to examine it, and doesn't let you live your life is the fear to fight!
As always, you are an inspiration to me, and I hope and pray I remember your lessons if ever I am faced with a similar fear.
Thanks, GM!
Much love and many hugs to you and your Lady Wife!
-- R'cat
CatHouseChat.com
Posted by Romeocat at March 11, 2006 04:42 PM
As someone once said,
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die.
Posted by Linda F at March 11, 2006 05:11 PM
Valuable thoughts, well-put, the miracle is bein' born in the first place!
Posted by Buddy Larsen at March 11, 2006 05:11 PM
...and I sing every day of my life.
An orthodox, observant, Jewish Atheist with brain cancer.
"Veluti si Deus daretur- Behave as if God existed"
Words of Pope Benedict to Oriana Fallaci, a woman who has courage.
Posted by shabetai Perera at March 11, 2006 05:12 PM
GM,
Ol' Top, it sounds like thee are in pretty fine fettle, what?
I am, of course, grandly happy for that. I know that you remember that you are thought of each day, and not the least of these by me.
I remain,
Semper Fidelis
Tad
P.S. I have known fear, in various forms, much of my life. Happy to report that that awful thing has been battered back to the point that I continue to march.
Posted by Tad at March 11, 2006 05:21 PM
I'm sorry you have lung cancer...but I'm wondering: are you a smoker? If so, it's hard to feel sorry for you, as you had ample warning.
Posted by Rufus at March 11, 2006 05:24 PM
Rufus, GM is very clearly not asking us to feel sorry for him. Even if he did in fact, like the friend I recently lost to lung cancer, knowingly bring it on, we can still admire and learn from the courage with which he faces it.
Posted by triticale at March 11, 2006 05:42 PM
GM,
Because I'm an optimist, because I have a strong belief that I am a child of God I'm not worried about dying, that fear is not one that I carry around.
Hold on to that assurance!
Fear accomplishes nothing. You have exactly the righ attitude. And remember that the fight matters, for both body and soul.
Thank you for posting this profound essay.
Posted by Always On Watch at March 11, 2006 06:25 PM
Rufus, I was tempted to write a very scathing response to your comment, but I re-read it, and calmed down a bit (a good practice whenever we want to "attack" someone).
While GM did not ask you to feel sorry for him, I think a caring person feels sorry for him, feels sorry for any decent person who has misfortune.
We don't "know" that GM is a decent person, but we should give him (and anyone we don't have good data on) the benefit of the doubt.
I think you should re-consider your comment; consider how hurtful and uncaring it can be perceived to be.
Posted by maj at March 11, 2006 06:32 PM
GM, keep on hoping for the best. I admire your attitude.
Rufus,
Who cares if GM smoked or not? Have you replaced faith with some fake moral superiority that only those who "deserve" to get sick will? Maybe you can fool yourself into thinking that nothing bad will happen to you or others who "do the right thing" and keep themselves pure in all ways by not smoking, eating right, etc. Sorry, that doesn't work--I know, I tried it my whole life and had a near fatal heart attack at 37. So get off your high horse and have some compassion and understanding for your fellow human beings.
Posted by Helen Smith at March 11, 2006 07:01 PM
If I had known this was a cancer thread when i followed the link from instapundit, I would not have followed it. Having clicked it and read what I did, I feel compelled to comment, number 2 applies not to me, although plenty others do.
My Father died of cancer when I was 10 years of age, not sure of what kind as it was spread throughout his body by the time he decided the pain was severe enough to go to a doctor. At my age I was not really concerned with specifics anyway.
My Uncle, my Father's brother, shot himself in the head because he determined he had stomach cancer about 9 years after my Father's death.
Let us say that cancer holds a certain somber spectre over my thoughts when my darker angels hold sway.
With all that said, I feel I have gained some small amount of wisdom in my 36 years and have determined that the length of my thread cannot be fully controlled by my actions, but that the sway of my thread in the winds of life can most certainly be controlled by my actions.
I do not know what cancer is in a metaphysical sense, but I know its effect, i know that intimately and it deserves no quarter, no submission. It deserves defiance, it deserves defeat. And so in striving for it's defeat, you are most surely more righteous, truthfully.
Posted by Joel Mackey at March 11, 2006 09:26 PM
Joel, your comment is most moving. Thank you so much for sharing that bit of pain in your life. You are, of course, absolutely right. We cannot control everything in our lives (the threads as you so eloquently put it) but we can control many things (the sway). That is what I'm talking about and again, I thank you for commenting.
Posted by GM Roper at March 11, 2006 09:34 PM
For Rufus, this post was not about wanting anyone to feel sorry for me. It was about conquering the fear of death and dying and of not being in control. From many of the comments, I think I got that message through; the issue is faith, love, staring fear in the face and knocking it on it's ass.
Posted by GM Roper at March 11, 2006 09:38 PM
Not in the same league of difficulty, but I decided, very intentionally when diagnosed with prostate cancer, not to have any fear. Can you hear John Paul the Great's voice, "Have a no fear!".
Posted by Kerry at March 11, 2006 10:04 PM
My brother fought and conquered lung cancer. He emailed me a couple of quotes that I am passing on.
From a book by Stewart O'Nan, A Prayer for the Dying...."Hope is easier to get rid of than sorrow."
and the one he called his favorite . . . . "Courage is what you find on the other side of fear."
In his wallet he carried these words written on a scrap of paper - You’re so close to the end of things how can you see the beginnings?
I think my brother whipped the cancer because he didn't focus on the doors it was closing, but on those it was opening for him.
Best wishes to you!
Posted by S. at March 12, 2006 12:15 AM
Ps 103:2,3
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
I John 4:18 (to :)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
I love the 91st Psalm too.
Hope these help,
jeff
Posted by jeff hardy at March 12, 2006 01:12 AM
Fear is not to be feared, is not useless. As a behavior modifier it has drawbacks and is not to be used where it can be considered cruel. That is mostly because we have not studied its parameters scientifically because of ethical reasons.
The relationship called 'respect' is the other side of the coin. One does not respect what one does not fear, at least on some level.
A spanking at age 5 just might prevent a delinquency at age 16, or prison at 25.
Posted by petie3 at March 12, 2006 07:48 AM
Being diagnosed with the C word is not a death sentence. I am a survivor of two different types of cancer either of which would have been terminal not a few years ago. My worst experience was a C-dif infection picked up in surgery for colon/rectal cancer. 35 days in the hospital and approx 20 of those on the fence between life and death.
The greatest thing was the absolute deep feeling that no matter the outcome( life or death), everything was going to be just fine.
Posted by Jack C at March 12, 2006 08:44 AM
Jack, I couldn't agree with you more. EVERYTHING really is going to be just fine.
Petie3, rational reasons for fear exist. But people have the strongest reactions sometimes to irrational fear and that is what I'm talking about.
Posted by GM Roper at March 12, 2006 09:07 AM
GM, your essay about conquering the "Fear of..." really has hit home with me, as I have an irrational fear of not only death, but life as well. I think we all do to some degree. We fear the uncertaintly of death - yet, we fear the uncertainties of what we can accomplish in life.
Facing cancer as you are now is something we all hope we will individually never have to do - but that fear-inciting disease has indeed touched us all, somehow. I am 43, and when I was 12 and my closest cousin was 10, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She died 2 months later. Her father - my uncle - was diagnosed with lung cancer (neither ever smokers!) at the age of 66 - in 2005 - and died around 3 months later. It is a formidable and fearsome disease - but not without its defeats, by any means. People have indeed overcome the scary diagnosis of lung cancer, and you are right to put fear in its place - behind you, where it ceases to be the obstacle to your imminent recovery - and triumph.
What I believe to be the two most difficult to overcome obstacles to living a full and long life are fear, and lack of faith.
Thank you for such an insightful essay.
Posted by Michelle at March 12, 2006 10:20 AM
Fear kills victory.
Posted by LASunsett at March 12, 2006 03:27 PM
I agree with Michelle. While I too dread the idea of getting a diagnosis like GM's, I'm aware that I have had an almost as great and crippling 'fear of life.' I'm not a religious person myself -- god, I wish I was -- but have recently started reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's books on meditation. I'm currently reading his excellent "Wherever You Go, There You Are," but he has also written an acclaimed book "Full Catastrophe Living," which I believe could be of great help to people that are dealing with acute crises. These books are all about restoring an inner sense of harmony and integrity, even when things seems to be at their bleakest or most stressful. Curious to know if anyone out there has read them.
Posted by Shawn at March 12, 2006 03:47 PM
I`m sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
It sounds like you have a great attitude; you`re going to do fine!
Posted by Timothy Birdnow at March 12, 2006 06:01 PM
My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and when we arrived in his room he told us not to look so sad because "you are terminal when you are born." He lived 5 good years after his diagnosis. We miss him but he left a wonderful legacy to us and his grandchildren. Thank you for your article.
Posted by Cherie Saylor Garrett at March 12, 2006 09:48 PM
GM;Found your message on Lucianne,I hit the big C Nov 0f 98 ,had breast cancer,4th person in my family 3rd generation.So I pulled out all the stops!!What that meant for me as aCatholic/Christian was to get all my ducks in a row.This began with being prayed with, reception of the Sacraments ieConfession,Eucharist,Annointing of the sick.Than made decisions re surgery,rx ie radiation/chemo,followed by Tamoxofin.I have 2 support groups as well as Charismatic prayer groups,and twice a week water aerobics class for breast cancer survivors .I guess I'm sharing ALL this info because I find a value in each ,ie spiritual,psychological,and physical.I'm faithful in my prayer life/Mass (during week),M.D.visits and meds.No games ,Ialso journal as in Letters to God and other misc folk.I don't waste time re gossip/petty stuff!!My love and prayers go with you,remember you are not alone!Marge D.
Posted by MD at March 12, 2006 11:20 PM
U jus keep gettin bettah GM!..u know I lost my bestest buddy las year ..and ya know what GM..I gave in to "fear" more than he ever did...He jus kept smilin and keepin his eye on the Sparrow til the very very end........and his new beginning with his Maker.
Ure the best!...Blessings and hugssss to u and the fam.
Posted by Angel at March 13, 2006 04:41 PM
Fear is useless. It doesn't prevent anything or forestall anything; it only burns what days or years you have left to bitter ash.
Seek out encouragement wherever you may find it, but in the end there's naught to do but to stiffen your spine and upper lip and keep plodding, one foot ahead of the other, eyes not on the terrors to one side or the other, but on the Light ahead. Dont' worry about the quivering - that's just the innate biological instinct to avoid death and harm; it's nothing to be ashamed of. Give of yourself to others, to lighten their burdens, and in doing so, you will find comfort for yourself.
Baillie: cardiomyopathy/heart failure at 48
Posted by Baillie at March 18, 2006 03:00 PM
Since I was out of town for a few days, I didn't catch this post until I came home. Naturally, Rufus' reply made me *ahem* grumpy, so I made a post about it on my LJ. A dear friend responded with this:
(Rufus) is also consumed with fear. His solution is to insulate himself with abstinence and self-righteousness, in the hope that sufficient militance will frighten the cancer away from him. Might work. Might not. But living in fear is a miserable experience, and invites others to share that misery.
Posted by Jennifer at March 20, 2006 06:17 PM
For those of you not in the know, Jennifer is my beloved daughter. A father couldn't be prouder than I am of my Princess Jeni!
Posted by GM Roper at March 20, 2006 08:01 PM
Guy, since I don't have many nephews, I simply cannot affords to have one of them succomb to cancer, or the fear of cancer. I truly believe that a positive mental attitude will reinforce the love of God. And as you are certainly aware, "all good things flow from God the Father,"
It pleases me to an absurd extent that you have expressed your love and regard for your grandfather, and my Dad. He was a remarkable person, and you are absolutely right in projecting your faith. He would be proud of you and your attitude.
Posted by Jimmy Melbert at March 21, 2006 04:30 PM
